onions and more onions!

new home

2009-01-08T10:25:00.001+08:00

new home!=)

succumbed to popular trend.

2008-11-04T11:16:00.002+08:00

its another of those mornings of just me and God,
bible and journal,
breakfast and coffee,
assignments and deadlines.

[Psalm 63:2]
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

i love it when things get tough,
thats when my faith gets even tougher.

=)=)

2008-09-22T20:50:00.003+08:00

i havent been to my blog for so long that it no longer have auto-completion of the website
i had to type onions-and-more-onions..=tedious
and in my mind i will imagine a mountain of onions come tumbling down towards me..
a chill down the spine~

i nearly forgot the password to sign in.

becoming closer to God=becoming more like winnie
yes, i am a perfectionist
yes, i am systematic
yes, i am reflective
yes, i am an introvert
yes, i am a listener
yes, i am phlegmatic
yes, i am an observer
yes, i like to watch tv and read comics
yes, i am lazy

yes, i AM INNOCENT

and yes, i am unspiritual.

thats what God made me to be=thats what make me beautiful.

i hope?=)

oh, yes, i AM beautiful.

i've been learning how to love.
this puny brain of mine had some revelation.
the great commission starts with love and its all about love.
such deep insight isnt it?
and learning it require me to tear down all my defences,
to be completely vulnerable,
to dare to read about news that i know would cut my heart deeply,
with pain, anguish, empathy and sadness.
we too,
can have love wide as the sky..
cause our hearts are filled with love more huge than the universe.
love, is never about i.
theres no 'I' in 'love' anyway.

my backpack got stolen=God is good.
just like Italy has the best pizzas,
NUS has the most ridiculous happenings.
while patting my head for my own stupidity to trust in humanity,
never a moment i doubted God's goodness,
never a moment i doubted God's control.
perhaps someone needed to see His reality through my loss,
perhaps it'll go a round of touring before it comes back to me,
perhaps, i'll never get it back..
the peace within is so assuring it allows no room for complains or panic.

God is good all the time.

i read Mr Hong Teck's blog
i fell in love.....
with his blog...
before i knew how he looks like~
i love his passion for what kids can do for God in the future,
i love his simplicity,
i love his concise and sharp reflections.
i love his love for his wife.. (he told his wife "i've lived my best life because of you"! awww~)
i love his not-meant-to-laugh-out-loud humour
(he said one of the ways to be cool is to not be shocked or surprised by anything,well, at least dont look like you do.)
i love it when i come across a point of reflection that i can identify with,
i just feel like tearing.
indeed,
just remain simple and God's future for us will be not so simple.

i've been reading "nurture" by Lisa Bevere

"envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our
own uniqueness and self worth. Each of us has
something to give that no one else has."
- Elizabeth O' Connor

"i have very strong opinions, but i also have a lot of influence,
so i have to be careful"

"if i made the conflict personal,
there would be no true or lasting solution"

"the trick is walking away from your time of prayer
believing the answer is yours when in that moment
you did not hear a thing."

"intuition- it is not about an exercise of human self-actualization,
but a connection with the divine and holy one"

"go the distance-be strong, free, and unafraid"

i want to expand my heart and mind,
to offer life and love,
to fellow princesses of the king.
love each one from the inside,
believing that surely each shell contains a pearl.
even when they fail and disappoint,
just keep believing.

My bag was found=God really is good
working in ways i often do not understand,
God never ever fails.
i know that with all the things going on between me and Him
the past few days,
the outcome is just like running 2.4 and expecting to finish it.
God loves in such a personal way,
others would never understand.
sometimes, its enough to just smile in my heart and know,
all is well.

At this moment i am feeling a bit sad.
ketchup is not equals to license.
i want to keep believing,
i really want to.

i shall not dwell on it.

just whack heart

2008-07-06T02:46:00.001+08:00

everything made so much sense again,
God is so real,
the vision is so real,
what it requires of me is so real.

come on winnie,
come to terms with it,
you've got to keep your heart fiery hot,
you've got to keep burning,
you know satan will slow you down,
and if it takes every ounce of your energy to keep yourself burning,
jolly well do it.

been having sleepless nights,
lie on the bed and cannot go to sleep.
i wonder if those are God's ways to book some real private time with me.
so when i cant sleep,
i talk to the hot hunk above,
and im not sure if its Him or myself,
many thoughts would drop into my heart.

i started to think about the many young gals and guys
who said that they are ready for a relationship.
i cant help but think maybe i'm rather immature.
up till this moment,
this second,
i can honestly say that i'm really really not ready for any of these sorts.
i know that if it comes,
my life will be consumed by it,

i do have desires to be special to somebody,
come on, admit it,
who dont?
but along the years,
i filled the desire with other great things.
God's love,
biblical friendships,
serving God.
and its just so amazing how God loves me so personally and just especially for me.
say i'm suaku,
say i'm a nun,
i choose to wait for His best =) *shrugs*

if my soft-like-tofu heart is the key for God to keep using me,
the thing that'll help me give my very best into every single responsibility given,
and a reminder for me to keep depending on Him,
let me keep that.
as a result i might appear loser to be sincere about every small role,
im not able to respond humorously to things,
and people may say im too innocent.
oh wells *shrugs*
i wanna remain easy-going with God.
cause anything other than Him and people He loves,
i don't care.
(i pray i'm as serious about it as i sound)

my bloggy is about me and myself again,
always believed private victory will lead to public victory.
perhaps its a matter of the motives again..
honestly its not that my whole life i only care about motives,
i only know that God will not bless wrong motives.
but no point either, to be so stubborn with motives
and do nothing in life,
thats just as good as having tight security on the safety box with nothing of value inside.

"integrity is doing what i said i would do,
how i said i would do,
when i said i would do."
woman of integrity=woman of my words....?
*pondering*

just walk across the room

2008-05-08T01:13:00.003+08:00

it's that easy-just walk across the room.

today after tamar's birthday surprise,
i was terribly late for home.
and i was left with a total of 7 mins to reach home.
from town to clementi.
if God can make me fly, i pray He'd show himself real.
but He had other plans for me,
and perhaps,
for him.=)

i hopped onto a random cab,
"clementi ave 1 please" *panting*
i guess uncle could tell i was rushing,
so he quicky drove off to my home~

and soon, he asked me,
"do you listen to this radio station? 93.8fm"

"nah, i dont." smiled politely=)

"theres a very good presenter,
Deborah xxx (i couldnt remember the full name=p),
she talks about health,
and updates, speaks really well!
and today she was reported R.I.P!!"

"heh heh"
(it took me quite awhile to figure out what was R.I.P),
and when i finally did,
i literally jumped up,
"FOR REAL??!!!"
he got a shock n we nearly got into an accident.

"yeah, lifes really fragile right"

ooh ooh,
i could feel it i could feel it,
it's a chance to turn it into a spiritual conversation..

"God! help me help me! give me opportunity to share about you!"
my heart desperately cried out,
yet trying to remain calm.

"yeah"=)

"my wife eh, got lung cancer you know..
third stage already,
under kimo now, and at first we still didnt know man,
she was about to go through an operation then the doctor discovered the cancer."

"oh~"

"come on God, how to direct it there?
i just ask if she knows God?
ask if she goes to church?
ASK IF SHE'S GONNA DIE SOON??!!"

"luckily we discovered it earlier,
if not it will be the fourth stage already..
fourth stage no cure already right?"

"hmm. yeah~"

"ok come on, go, tell him perhaps it was God working in this"

"yeah, then you know kimo one time 4k,
one month 4 times then 16k you know~
hai heavy burden, fortunately the company's paying 70% of it,
if not where to get the money.."

"yeah, thats very expensive."

"ok, ask him if she has any support group
to like go through it with her, and then give him the example
of like in church people really support each other through difficult times, okok go!"

"yeah but its really a miracle know,
that my wife survive.
that time she fell back, and hurt her spinal cord in church (oh my gosh oh my gosh did you say church? really? church?!=D=D=D=D)
so she had to go for an operation know.."

"oh! so thats when the cancer was discovered?"

"yeah, really miracle u know"

"yeah! perhaps it's like a blessing in disguise?=)"
(if your were there watching my heart it was jumping and leaping for joy like a mad woman. oh, no, like a mad heart.)

"yes yes, our lives in God's hand ah." (uh huh! gotcha! so we've been doing the exact same thing ever since the beginning! trying to direct the whole conversation to God!! exposed exposed!!) haha

"yeah its true its true! does she still go to church now?"

"yup she does." (i bet he was thinking what i was thinking! like oh great, you're a christian too)

"then yourself? do u get to go church too?
cause it quite tough right, to find time and all.."

"yeah i do, as much as i can lah,
cause like you know arh,
the taxi rental 180 a day u know,
we have to earn alot just to break even..hai very tough very tough.."

"yeah, its true, not easy yeah."

and then we went on and on talking about many many things,
he asked me what course i wanna study,
so i told him i wanna study psychology and give my best to point people to God,
and he went on talking about cancer research and everything..
i was just listening and nodding,
but that smile on my face didnt for a second fade away.

and then it was clementi ave 1(somehow i felt that he was driving pretty slowly during the second part of the journey and conversation, esp after we exposed each other. haha)

"thanks uncle, keep the change.
and i'm very encouraged by you.
keep sharing to your passengers about God."=)

he just smiled. blushing.

it was that easy, and that natural,
for him to direct people to God.
it guess,
it came from a heart overflowing with God's love.
i went on the cab wanting to plant a seed of faith in uncle's heart,
he drove me home, having the same intention. (and obviously he was more skillful in it! look at the amount of struggle i went through, ahah!)
but we both parted with great joy overflowing in our hearts.
i know,
we were both encouraged.
and we will both continue taking every opportunity to reach out to the lost.

reaching out,
is really that easy,
just like walking across the room.

2008-05-01T18:15:00.001+08:00

30th april marked the day that...

i throw away my april contact lens..

haha but not just that!!

it marked the day that the fat ninjas came together,

spent time seeking God,

and asking God to refine the convictions He has placed in our hearts.

we poured our hearts out,

laughed at one others' random dreams,

and each took a piece of each ones' conviction and placed them in our hearts,
we wanna value one anothers' dreams like our own.

so to kick start,

we have the all time supporter of girl power,

ready to start a revolution to overthrow man,

JOANNE LEE ZHI HAN!

"I want to be independent!!"
Lee believes strongly that women can and should be powerful!
she detests those who whole day whole night dream about marriage,
and depending on a rich husband..
*oops i better watch out for her when i talk about my boyfriendsssss haha*
when she has the ability to,
she'll start a riot and do something extraordinary for the world to see!
and she has successfully bought me into her team of rioters,
so yes,
wait for the girl power to shine.~
i bet you'll have to take your hat off her.
and and and!
she dreams of 40 crescentians before she graduates!
hey gal,
with God,
dreams are reality.=)

next,
we have bao yux with suppose-to-be-convicted-but-end-up-looking-constipated-pose!
"i want to see people understanding the real meaning behind God's word!"
there she exclaimed,
calm but firm.
"the word FULL-FORCE! kept coming into my mind,
people should really go FULL-FORCE! for God!"
and on and on and on she went..
if you give her the whole night,
she'll be more than excited to elaborate for you
what does FULL-FORCE with an exclamation mark means!
and we all know that in her heart,
she prays for her family to come to experience the
"FULL-FORCE with an exclamation mark"
kind of journey with God.
keep going girl,
God remembers all your 3 hour quiet times.

and and!
next in the circle,
BRIDGET THE-MOST-EXCITED-SHARE-UNTIL-SWEAT-LIKE-MAD-DANCING QUEEN!!
she really really wants to live a life worthy of God's calling!
one that is just blameless,
and pure, gives all out for God*pretty much like how she's living now eh?=)*
and and! she wants to become.....
THE FEMALE VERSION OF PAUL!!
so we excitedly contributed what should her name be...
pauline,paulo,paular...and and POPIAH!!
i personally think POPIAH is the best.
and next time after many decades,
people will exclaim
"POPIAH IS MY OU XIANG!!"
on top of that,
she's gonna give her life into building a group of girls,
whom just live to outreach,
just like paul/popiah,
whenever and wherever there needs pioneers,
everyone's ready to go.
go popiah! you have my support.=)

and the next is ANG!
Oops, no..its JOANGALISONAGNES!*so long i dont even know if i spelt correctly=P*
this girl was sitting beside baoyux but happily changed her seat,
so yeah, she became more stressed after popiah
unleashed her dreams that she kept for the past two years.

"i hate it when people have no purpose in life!!"
strong word strong word but you see her conviction!
life is about the creator,
and so our lives should be about God's purpose in our lives.
that explains why she's like a bumble bee,
always active,
always on track,
always faithfully sending weekly schedules to us,
every day we live must have a purpose!!
and and..
guess what!
she's ready to join LEE in a revolution any time too!
cause in two years time,
you're gonna see her leading a district of GIRLS,
who will most prob be recruited into LEE''s revolution/riot
to showcase girl power.
watch out man!!
go ang, i know you can achieve great things,
because you're always driven and willing.
God will use you.

CLEO LIME!
as you can see,
her convicted pose has an extra toy(as how ang likes to describe)
TISSUE!!
this is due to the really really funny joke
that yenli and bridget contributed to..
and the joke was about
little winnies running around-___-
you can sense how funny the joke was eh,
that she laughed and laughed and laughed and and and
she cried!!!!
if i didnt remmeber wrongly,
it was at the part when bridget said
baby winnie will come out of the womb not crying
but YO-ING!!
how exciting will it be man~
and then sherlyn added"wah cleo cry so much about little winnie,
then you must
make your child her godmother.
???!!!!

ok,
nevermind about little winnies
and them being cleo lime's godmothers.
cleo's mind is all full of apologetics!!
she believes that people should get a convincing answer to all the wierd questions they ask!
so that no atheist is able to prove that God doesnt exist..
please do lend a helping hand to limie cleo
by providing your answers to her many many questions
her friends ask!
she'll be forever grateful and maybe consider promoting you to her bro
who will soon become a strong and biblical good-catch.

and she believes God for many many more things!
to be more expressive,
to be more confident,
to dare to do the right thing
and for her family to slide back to God.
gogogo cleo,
remember as long as you do the right thing,
no one will say anything.
at least those who are right wont.
those who are not,
they'll always have something to say.=)

ok this is getting long but hang in there!
convictions are never meant to bore anyone~
so next is the self-claimed-forever-sweet-16-oldie in the team,
YENLI aka TIFFANY!
since many decades ago,
she has already given her life into living a life that simply pleases God.
if you say im the check-your-motive-girl,
i tell you she's no different!
she checks her own motives more than you go toilet to pee.
that explains all the outbreaks of laughter during our shepherdings,
cause we can so understand what each other's talking about!!

and and,
once again we share the same heart beat in this,
build strong and biblical women for the kingdom!
so that next time,
wherever the kingdom needs,
just go to her group and pick up anyone there!
they're ready to where God has called them to.

church-planting runs in her blood,
despite all the very-broke-no-money-for-phonebill-and-everything-days,
she's trying her very best to save up money for missions trip in the future.
*hopefully that money's not used to settle the next meal*=P
cause God will always provide right?=)

tiffany! we all belive you are really still young!
dont be afraid to dream big for God!
you may lack in many things,
but He who is above will lavish in abundance.
see you in africa,china,middle-east,europe,new-york,US...leave your footprints all over the world!

abit more abit more!
SHERLYN TAN!!
yes yes she is the one who suggested
i should make little winnies cleo lime's godmother.
anyway anyway~
look at her convicted pose and you know,
she's dead serious about bringing people down the aisle
during alter call.
she'll shine with God's light,
she'll glow with a big big smile,
till she has no more eyes.
and everyone,promise that you'll clap the hardest and the loudest.
and by then,
she'll be the leader of at least two cgs of her pionnering school!

keep climbing sherlyn,
it's not the peak yet,
but i know,
and God knows,
you're just this close to the top of the mountain.
dont give up.

and lastly lastly yours truly!
please dont look down on the
always-kena-made-fun-of-as-baboon-fat-ninja okay!
i too,
have a heart that palpitates with the belief that
no one is too small to be used by God!
no matter how insignificant anyone may be,
God can make nobodies into somebodies.
i'll give my life to speak faith into peoples' lives,
that anyone can be changed to do noble things for the kingdom.

and secondly,
i'm dead convicted to build a generation of women,
who are beautiful inside out.
young women who have total security that they dont have to be pretty to be beautiful.
the used-to-be-queen-of-insecurity
will promise with my heart upside-down that
confidence and security really are not found in pretty faces
and good figures.
if you perceive me as secure,
you should then know where it comes from=)
still work-in-progress though=)

and to sum it up,
"many women do noble things,
but you,winnie, surpass them all."-this, i'm living for.
i know you know it.

it totally amazes me how uplifting it is,
just by listening to the convictions and dreams
God has placed in each of our hearts.
without the constrain of time,
i think we could go on and on and on till theres no tomorrow!
but well,
tomorrow still got to come cause we need it to live out our convictions.

feel free to pop by our lives
and check if we're on track,
now that you know the things we hold on tightly to.

fat ninjas,
keep living for a cause greater than ourselves.
thats what we're here for.
and keep dreaming bigger and bigger,
so that God can make us fly higher and higher.
i can never thank God enough for the privilege
of serving alongside you girls.

"many women do noble things,
but you, fat ninjas, surpass them all."

hey world,
watch for us,
we're on the way.

2008-04-23T00:43:00.003+08:00

was reading the parable of the wedding banquet this morning,
and cant help but amazed by how wise Jesus was,
and how appropriately the parable was used to describe the kingdom of heaven.

first thing that struck me was that God is so generous in extending His invitation to us,
to enter His kingdom.
those wierd promptings and stirring of the heart,
was God poking and whispering into our soul,
even when we shut Him off,
He's always at the door of our hearts,
knocking, knocking.

and then i realized,
people refused to go for the wedding banquet
because they had their own agendas.
just like how we all have our own plans,
our own ambitions,
and things we choose to pack our time with,
till we have no time for God,
oblivious to the fact that we're missing out on the greatest things ever.

"whats the use of climbing the ladder of success,
only to find that it's leaning against the wrong building?"-James Dobson

and moreover,
when we attend weddings,
we got to bring gifts.
so similarly,
entering God's kingdom would require us to offer our finance,
our time,
our efforts.
we've got something to give,
before receiving from Him what's multiple times better than what we offered.

and of course,
when we've rejected God many many times,
we forsake God's grace,
and God will look for people whose hearts are soft,
and would look at the invitation with gratitude.
which reminds me

"those who have tasted the goodness of God,
and yet take the word of God lightly,
will be easily abandoned by God."

we're the one who really need Him.
so so badly.

wedding clothes are provided by the host,
they are a must for those attending the wedding.
those who refuse to put in on
may be too prideful
and thought they did not need them.
the clothes represent God's righteousness
that we must choose to be clothed in.
receiving salvation must come with obedience of the word
in the later stage.

God,
help me not to take your salvation for granted,
help me to believe with faith
that the wedding banquet would be so gorgeous,
and with great things to offer,
that i'll never regret forsaking my own agenda
to enter it.
help me,
to never reject any invitation
and always view it as such a great privilege,
help me to never look out to the door
and be envious of what people are doing outside.
they are the ones truly missing out.
and perhaps,
if im focused and concentrate on the banquet,
i wont even be distracted by the things outside.

help me,
to also see the greatness of the banquet
and then together with the host,
invite people in,
to see the greatness of it,
help them to put on the wedding clothes,
and lead them to be the chosen one as well.

v14:"for many are invited,
few are chosen."
I want to be chosen.

if the desert of sin in exodus was a place You test and shape the character of Your people,
i pray you'll never forget to bring me there.

new post for new skin!

2008-04-17T12:22:00.003+08:00

new post for a new look!

i love the new look of my blog!!
colourful and more coulourful.
i hope no one gets dizzy looking at those stripes that i like alot alot!=)

i don't have any thoughts of wisdom to post,
neither do i have very enlightening insights~
i am simply very thankful for all that God has put into my life.
met kelly some time ago,
and we shared, laughed and joked about many many things.
she told me that God moulds us according to the sphere of influence we'll impact.
and that He grants success to us according to the people we need to identify with.

that gave me so much assurance and security in God.
been thinking about my A level results
and the wait is getting more and more uncertain.
i don't know where my results can bring me to,
neither do i know what God has up His sleeves.
but im reminded daily that He really really knows me inside out,
He'll lead me to a place where He'll develop me for the greater things in the future.

its been almost 4 months that i'm living at a pace that i find very comfortable with.
i get to experience many many new things,
meet different kinds of people,
try and do new things for God.
i get to take things slow when i need to,
i get to decide to leave the past,pick up the baton,
and keep running forward.

i get to feast on the word like honey to my soul,
understanding many new insights and how God works.

God, continue to captivate my heart with what you've planned for the future.
help me to live life with so much drive,
and help me to add value into peoples' life through even the smallest things i do.
show me what exactly you're doing in my life,
who you're moulding me to be.
i know those prayers i made in the nights and days
are being kept safely in your heart.
i know you'll let those dreams of my heart come to pass one by one,
even without my realization.
use me more and more in my life.
thank you.

came across this verse during QT many months ago!

Genesis 9:13-16
13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds,
15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.
16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

and this is what i wrote in my journal:

Still remember when we were on our way back home to send grandma off, on the taxi,
we saw a rainbow.
God never left, He was there even when grandma passed away.
Its an assurance of His presence and the sign of His faithfulness to me and my family.

thank you for rainbows,
if they are the most beautiful creation on this earth,
then You are the most beautiful creator of them all.

with you, i can fly above the rainbows.

face lift

2008-03-23T01:51:00.002+08:00

are you wrinkled with burden?

go to God for a faith lift!

joy

2008-03-17T00:12:00.004+08:00

when i run,

there are two different ways.

there are times i run with heavy steps,

i throw my feet heavily on the ground with every step,

i go slow,

i go lethargic.

these are the times when my heart's at ease,

my mind undisturbed,

just enjoying the music,

just sinking into the scenery,

delighting in the presence of God.

there are also times,

i bounce with every step,

as if i've got a spring attached to my sole,

i gain energy in my strides,

though every part of my body tells me i'm tired,

my mind says"push on, push on. keep going, keep going."

these are the times,

my spirit is unsettled,

i've got much frustration,

much anger kept within.

i felt misunderstood,

i felt i'm all alone.

so i tell myself,

all the more,

you've got to keep fighting.

my feet gaining more energy,

my mind calming the raging storm.

as if all the pieces of the jigsaw are pieced up,

i feel God's strength,

i feel Him backing me up.

this time,

the run was the latter.

my eyes fixed on the faraway ending point,

as if glaring with defiance.

i do not understand why the prickly words,

i do not understand why the sacarsm.

i do not know why such a perception,

i no longer know how to love.

this time, i give in.

because i'm your daughter,

i dont wish that you think of me that way.

but when it comes to the matters of the kingdom,

i will still do what is correct.

it was your care that drew me closer to you,

it was your thornlike words that made me grow, bouncing back with greater strength.

good or bad,

thank you for that.

but hey,

my heart is still filled with love,

stuborn love that the guy above showed.

because i'm your daughter,

i dont wish to hold anything against you,

i want to always respond with love.

keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. thats what sunflowers do. -helen keller.

just like peacocks

2008-02-20T23:56:00.002+08:00

chanced upon a peacock rattling its plumage,
and cant help but felt very moved by such beauty.
yet, human often associate it with wealth, vanity and pride.
yeah, peacock takes great pride in its gorgeous feathers,
how vain,
but how strongly it guards its beauty.
even to the extent of losing its life.
because it exists to unveil beauty.
without its beautiful plumage,
life has no meaning.
so it fiercely guards this God-given privilege,
he knows such beauty belongs to him alone.

sometimes i wonder,
if we too,
have something such as this that we guard fiercely with our very own lives.
something that we'll never let go off,
even when life is at risk.
yeah, i've found my answer.
yeah, i do have.
but yeah, i guess sometimes i do forget that sole purpose of my living.

peacocks will never forget to unveil beauty,
because it has made that the one thing it is living for.
does my heart still only wills one thing?

"From the spiritual point of view,
the only important thing is to realize Divine Life and to help others realize it by manifesting it in everyday happenings.
To penetrate into the essence of all being and significance and to release the fragrance of that inner attainment for the guidance and benefit of others --
by expressing, in the world of forms, truth, love, purity, and beauty --
this is the sole game that has intrinsic and absolute worth.
All other happenings, incidents,
and attainments in themselves can have no lasting importance."
Meher Baba, Discourses, page 200.

2008

2008-01-03T02:23:00.000+08:00

have been doing some calculations...

1.beijing trip for winnie: 8 days, $1000

clarinet for sis: 3 years, $ 1300 approx

going once,going twice, winnie went for beijing trip.

2. dinner with family on christmas eve: 2 hours, $89

New pair of shoes: 2 years, $80 approx

and of course dinner won the votes..

3. catch up with friends over dinner: 2 hours, $15

new clothes: 1-2 years?, $40

winnie is still wearing jus' wack, so no new clothes.

it doesnt make sense does it,

if money used for options 1 were saved up for option 2,

many more material things could have been bought.

and they can sustain longer,

using the winnie-aunty's-kiasu-mentality,

it's more worth it.

but perhaps, money is spent to "buy" time together,

and putting in deliberate efforts to create memories.

because after all,

those are the things that really matter.

now i understand why the leaders always say

MONEY IS NOT AN ISSUE

when it comes to missions trips, camps, leadership conferences..

because money is spent to "buy" experiences,

learnings,

and time together,

when actually they worth much more than the money spent.

so perhaps,

now when we spend money for birthday celebrations,

get together with biblical companies,

or just catch a movie with care group peeps,

stop having heartache about how much we spent,

but start smilling widely for the memories created.

and perhaps perhaps when i also see the value of spending money on clothes,

and stop being so log kok,

you'll not see winnie in jus' wack anymore.

but for now,

in everywhere i go,

in everything i do,

i'll still

*shrugs* =)

conviction vs rational...?

2007-11-28T12:13:00.000+08:00

recently i've been telling people around that i wanna be a teacher..
my recent realization,
so i've been saying my conviction is to be a teacher...

but i was thinking about it another day,
being a teacher is not my conviction.
my conviction is to influence lives one by one,
so that more people can be discipled and sent out for the great work in the world..
doing something that doesnt have to be in the limelight,
but helping people to find themselves,
directing them towards God and not just the church..

but because of the insecurity i feel to be uncertain about the future,
i was quick to place my conviction upon a direction in life to work towards..
you know, it just feels better to have somewhere to go towards in life..
being a teacher is a rationale that i've derived through logic,
according to my experiences,
my hurts in the past,
and matching this and that..
and "tah tah!"
i've helped God lay out the plan for my life: to be teacher.

but i guess,
life's career is just a secondary priority,
in fact,
there are multiple ways that i can go, that are still according to God's will,
but the most important thing is to let god fulfil His purpose in me no matter where i go.

proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

moreover i guess God wants me to learn to wait on Him,
to learn to be comfortable even when He doesnt speak.
waiting is such an art isnt it..
when its often oh so tempting to just craft out a way that will make us feel secure..

[psalms 37:7]
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
they elbow their way to the top.

haha yeah..stop comparing winnie.

teach me how to love.

always there...

2007-11-21T23:17:00.000+08:00

always thought that me, God, and satan are in a triangular relationship..

one that winnie has to continuously choose which path to take..

towards God or towards satan..
one that i have to decided whose voice to listen to..

"you're lousy, you're such a disappointment, you'll never be able to do anything big for your God.."

"i've chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;I chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

But as i go through more and more with God,

and understand more and more about Him,

He's actually on my side..

like a game of tug-of-war..

He backs me up..

because im one with Him in spirit(1 cor 6:17)

"be still and know that I is God."

[Exodus 14:14] "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

this battle is Yours,

and victory belongs to you,

therefore i can be victorious.

thank you=)

thank you for hiding.=)

2007-11-04T21:44:00.000+08:00

[2 Chronicles 32:31]

God left him to test him and to know everything that was in his heart.(NIV)

God left him on his own to see what he would do; he wanted to test his heart. (message)

God left him to himself to try him, that He might know all that was in his heart(amplified)

God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart.(NLT)

这件事神离开他，要试验他，好知道他心内如何。

thank you for providing an answer for life's mystery,

thank you for loving me enough,

to hide your face..

thank you for making me stronger,

in your very own way.

i know that everything'll be okay..

i just know that.=)

hang in there winnie!

where are you?

2007-10-27T07:04:00.000+08:00

feeling.....

hai..

woke up overwhelmed by emotions..

bad bad feelings...=(

uncertain

disheartened

frustration

basically in agony...

and so...another complain letter to the guy above..

"God where are you?

are you in my heart?

are you in my mind?

are you in my soul?

if you're in my heart,

can you feel my heart weighed down my many many things?

if you're in my mind,

do you see the fierce battle fighting away those negative thoughts?

if you're in my soul,

do you feel my irrtation, the helplessness i feel towards the people you love alot alot?

i wonder if you feel angry with me,

everytime i doubt and feel discouraged,

i wonder if you feel the same towards me everytime i get fed up about the indifferent attitude of people?

God sometimes i really feel that if people dont bother about their lives,

then why should i bother...

haha but if i feel this way towards everyone,

haha maybe i'll end up serving you as a toilet cleaner,

just be responsible for toilets and not people.

...........

God..what can i do,

to get rid of those feelings?

perhaps it wont go away..

but i must not let my emotions affect people around me...

......as i sprint towards the finishing line,

let me ride on your wind,

let me focus on the line in front,

not my inabilities,

my limitations,

or my lagging behind compared to others...

am not competing against them,

am competing against myself,

i got to overcome myself.

God let my service to you and your people be out of a pure heart and a biblical motive..

i dont need them to thank me,

i dont need them to come and appreciate me

and tell me i made an impact in their lives,

but i need them to be responsible of their own lives,

to take ownership of their own response to you.

eventually when they grow big time,

i'll be there clapping and tearing the hardest,

second to you.

God, shift my focus,

i know thats the thing that will change how i feel as well.

God, you're above my emotions....."

有梦的人,没时间绝望..

go winnie go.=)

2007-10-13T23:13:00.001+08:00

sometimes when i'm all alone,
when i walk along the pavement,
a tinge of fear would sink into my heart.
what if theres something else to learn?
what if it's not yet time to shine?

i asked Him to search through my heart,
open my eyes to the deepest things within me,
not shown to myself,
not shown to others,
im afraid,
i havent stepped out of that comfort completely.

perhaps,
it just means its another level of growth,
breakfree from the unconscious struggle of the mind,
take that risk in trusting in the ever faithful,
just like i needa take risks in friendships.

i dont exactly know the end,
i only know i dont know how to manage it any better.

"go winnie,
i know this is what you have prayed for.
it's in times like these that you struggle powerfully.
its in times like these you give all of yourself without reservation,
you've been telling yourself,
keep sprinting, keep fixing your eyes on the finishing line.
as much as your experiences shaped you to be who you are,
let the word shape you to be who you'll be."

let me,
take that risk.

frustrated

2007-10-01T00:22:00.000+08:00

it switches me off when i go to other peoples' blog,
and see the same old entry
that i've seen for many many times.
people must have felt the same way for my blog too..=)

so winnie officially claims that
she is rather frustrated now.
advanced technology is making me crazy,
i prefer studying, planning or once in awhile be a neighbour of jamie and ceci,
stay in a cave....

anyway its been some time since i met up with good friends.
enjoyed myself on sat night.
happy birthday ting.

"i know, cause i created you"

2007-09-09T22:07:00.000+08:00

read jamie's blog about her psycho-analytical take on herself,
about how different people she meets get to penetrate into different layers within her life.
she knows herself pretty well=)
i kept nodding to myself as i read,
yes yes! haha jamie is so like that!
blur but perceptive,
shy but friendly......

interestingly she ended off saying
"so who am i REALLY?"

"i have no idea=p"

its something i thought about recently too!

we dont exactly know ourselves,
our dreams,
our talents,
our purpose in life..
so we spend many years of our life drifting through empty shores,
some wanting to find themselves,
some lose themselves while seeking.

thats because we didnt create ourselves.

when Edison invented lightbulbs,
he knew exactly how they work,
where should the thin filament be placed,
and know exactly why they have to be round and not square.

but we didnt create ourselves,
often times we dont know our own thoughts,
our needs,
our carnal nature..
thats why David had to ask God to search his heart,
and know his anxious thoughts.

caught Bruce almighty on channel 5,
the God in the show said"who really knows what he wants?"

ultimately,
it cannot be more logical to believe that there must have been a designer,
to our genes,
our character,personality,
everything that makes us who we are.

when we start to question our identity,
just who we really are,
(theres a term in literature which i apparent dont know=p)
its our hearts longing to go back to where we belong,
afterall, its far too draining to wander around,
dragging our feet when we are made to soar.

so a life created by a greater power ought to live the way it is supposed to,
according to His timing,
and His wisdom that no one can fathom.

thats how i wanna live my life,
have Your way in me.

keep me going..a little bit more..

2007-08-31T20:44:00.000+08:00

winnie:

"I see your heart,love and devotion to Me,
because of your desire to be used by Me.
you are My pillar and I will equip you,
to not just be a leader now,
but in the future.
allow Me to conform you in My image more and more.
[Romans 8:28-29]
and we know that in all things,
God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to His purpose.
for those God foreknew, he also predestined,
to be conformed to the likeness of His son,
that he might be the first born among many brothers.

i will make you a great leader in My house."

love, Daddy. 310307

hey Daddy!
" i'll keep going,
because of what you've promised.
i hold on to it,
and won't let go till it comes to pass.
because i know,
you dont lie.
you never did,
and you never will."

love, winnie. 310807

in the things we love, theres no satisfaction

2007-08-26T19:55:00.000+08:00

happy 100th post to winnie's blog!
hmm have been rather stingy in blogging considering the age of this blog=)

when things come surging and swirling like tsunami,
waves do not give allowance to consider,
if one could successfully ride on the waves
and glide along the surface of the sea,
in time like this,
look up, at the boundless sky
and know the God above is more powerful than tsunami.

try grabbing someone along,
as we climb above the waves,
yell some encouraging words,
let her step on your shoulder,
lift her up above yourself,
and be assured that the one above stretches his hand,
to hold your buttock when you fall.

i've heard it say" the greatest success in life is to help others succeed"

when we feel that people ought to understand our situation,
that we have the right to compromise,
or we deserve great attention
because we're going through what 3/4 of the world around us is also going through,
open the eyes of our hearts and understand,
perhaps,
God has a greater plan...
if,
we choose to surrender n let His take the wheel.

am wearing a snail ear stud on my left ear,
facing a strawberry ear stud on my right ear,
as if its slowly crawling towards miss strawberry,
to remind myself,
not to chase after a dream that doesnt belong to me,
no matter how my finite mind would think its the best thing on earth,
cause the snail will never be able to reach the strawberry.
afterall, strawberries are not meant for snails.

(haha actually its just because i dropped my pear stud so no choice have to change =p)

sometimes people may not know the little efforts we tirelessly put in,
people may not see us drained when we're all alone,
people may not notice it when we fall n cry,
hey, it doesnt matter..
the one above knows it all.
its not people's standards we're living to meet.
perhaps,
others are also drained,
others have also fallen.
stretch your frail hands,
and pick them up.

since i've made the decision,
to take the risk,
let my faith be based on You and the Word,
and not by events nor circumstances.

[I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
psalms 16:8]

such love, such divinity

2007-08-16T00:49:00.000+08:00

angelina popped by at my house just now,
to pray for me..
my mum would probably think i've got s boyfriend,
who would come to my house at 10pm just to say good night.=)
she seemed to know whats been weighing me down,
it felt very warm,
when the whole world is busy with their own to-do-lists,
she thought of me,
and showed God's love that was much needed at that point of time.
her prayer was simple,
but with much assurance that God surely is there listening..

"i pray that winnie will never feel far away from you..."
"i pray for her younger sister for her everyday decision makings...."
"i pray that You will put words into peoples mouth so that what she hears will be what you want her to know"
"i know there will be yet another story to tell, a victorious one as she chose to face things with you.."

thank you angelina,
when the victorious story is finally scripted,
you'll be the first to know the ending.=)

in times like these,
when i dont understand the paths ahead of me,
when i've got no idea how to handle this and that,
when voices of people come swirling in my head,
its His voice i seek.

in a world where everything wants a piece of us,
i just wanna live for the audience of one.
it takes great faith to believe i can do it with His strength,
it takes more to believe i can handle it all on my own.

thank you for not giving up on me,
thank you for growing and moulding me at every stage of my life,
thank you that i dont have to be caught in the chase after merely good grades,
thank you that when no one understands, you do;
thank you for your love that keeps no record of wrong.

i dont have much,
but still,
take them all,
and let your will be done.

2007-08-04T00:11:00.000+08:00

just came back from corrinne may concert at UCC!
its the first time i actually spent such a large proportion if my allowance on a concert..
that means it really meant something to me.=)

concert was great! with the very exciting company of the usual crazy fangxuan!!

yup look at her yang guang smile.=)
our seats were at the balcony on the 3rd floor,
and it felt like we were intruders,
watching the concert illegally,
but actually i liked the seats alot!
they looked like those seats on the train...

so we started our adventure,
bahaving totally uncivilised and childish,
among all the rather aged audience..
haha that means we know how to appreciate k..

i told you the seats look like those on the train,
where u can be as confortable and relaxed as you wanna be..
see, totally comfortable n relaxed, plus a little bit unglam.

its a long long journey!

then it was that woman's turn,
trying to be totally relaxed and pretended to fall from 3rd floor..
and guess what..
she play play play and her ticket committed suicide!!
it flew from the third floor,
to the second,
to the first.
it hit someone's head,
and she looked up,
arh? kind of expression.
we hid.

i think such things only happen when you are with fang fang...

trying to spot some empty seats on the first floor so we could sneak in and help them fill their seats after interval,
but of course thats rather immoral,
people watching corrinne may should be civilised.
so we obediently stayed at our seats=)

yup thats her!
she sang well,
played the piano,
without scores,
looked at the audience,
and smiled.=)

she sang many new songs from her album that stirred my heart,
expressing many heart cries of mine,
using simple lyrics
and soothing music and voice.

[shelter]
"just call my name,
let me be an answer,
cause it hurts me to see you this way.
i wanna ease your pain,
help me understand,
let me be your shelter, my friend."

i want so badly to be a good friend,
one whom people would think of when they need a listener.
but sometimes even i myself get disappointed at myself,
for how i handle friendships in my life.
well, we learn on the way.
but let me be your shelter, my friend=)

[on the side of me]
"im not the easiest person to love
...im not too proud of some things
...yet you chose to be on the side of me...
..i remembered when nobody cared,but you."

it reminded me of how my family stood by my side,
during my rebellious years,
those pasts that i disappointed them time and again.
growing up wasnt easy for me,
much worse for them.

[on my way]
"but i'm on my way
there seems to be no end in sight,
but i know i'll be alright,
dont give up on me,
i'm on my way."

many things i still dont get right,
many things i still have to learn,
and i'm glad im given the chance to grow,
bit by bit.
i do fail many many times,
but He hasnt given up on me,
i know you didnt too.
dont give up on me, cause i'm on my way.

[33]
"33, the age that you died for me,
now here i am at 33,
33,you crowned it with your life upon a tree,
the mystery of your love for me."

it is such a meaningful song!
Jesus died when He was 33,
and now shes 33 too...
its interesting how she thought about this life stage of hers this way,
so 33 shall be a special age for everyone,
cause that the age Jesus died..
and again, the forgetful me was reminded of that illogical love lavished upon me.

[my little nephew]
"see you learn to tie your shoes,
say the sky is blue
and that your best friend is Winnie The Pooh"

muahaha!! this was just a song about her newphew,
whom i dont really know,
but the song's special cause it has my name!

i guess the reason why i like her songs,
and spend money to go for her concert,
and buy her cd is because she's a voice to my heart cries,
from her own walk with God and her own life journey,
those are very real feelings that all of us have.=)

finally! queuing for her autograph, fangxuan was very sweet! she bought us her secondary school all time favourite soya bean.=)
but in the end we left before we got her autograph,
cause she was being too nice, talked to the fans one by one,
took photos one by one,
and it was getting too late.
and actually autograph dont really mean much to me..
like as if i get money when i get her signature.
but its a pity i didnt get to tell her im winnie, her nephew's best friend.=)

we were talking in the queue,
and were saying that we show different sides of us infront of different people.
sometimes it seemed unnatural,
or perhaps fake,
but i guess its the different people in our life that bring out the different side of us.
God placed each of them in our lives for unique purposes,
to help us find ourselves.

so, which side of people do i bring out?=)

[scars make us stronger, for life]

break my legs,humble me.

2007-07-29T23:21:00.000+08:00

the stronghold in my life,
will trip me again and again,
the place is different,
the seasons change,
but it's the same old stone.

pride.

it seemed hard to relate pride and winnie together,
i dont think winnie appears to be prideful,
and thats why its freaks me out.

i've hid it so well,
i've used logical reasoning to cover up,
that even i myself was nearly deceived.

i wanted to be strong,
i wanted people around me to say that im zai,
i wanted to juggle everything,
to win praises,
to gain applause.

the hard truth came banging again and again
"without Him, you're not that strong"
yet that voice was often left in the wilderness,
while i continued chasing my own tail,
running harder,
going no where.

"i cannot cope, i really cant"
a simple surrender,
yet it dug out so much from me.

"God, more than about studies and all, am so afraid that i've been living under my own shadow,the flaws that i've been carrying with me,those flaws in my character.it hurts to see myself not living a life fully pleasing to you.i should be joyful,because you've not left me.you break my leg,so i wont continue in my own flawed ways.self denial,self deception.God,sorry that i've not matured,since the previous times,i've not really grown.i still respond the same way,i still couldnt show it to them,they still didnt see you in me...." -bus 190, 28 july, 115pm.

"it's in you,
that i have the faith,
to stand up and be strong"

"nothing in my life can go so wrong that it's out of God's way."

"and i know my God made a way for me...."

put on God's lense,
and look at His ways through His eyes.
and discover,
actually it's not that bad..
actually people do care for me a lot,
actually she loves me more than i thought.

actually, i should be thankful.

thankyou.

His kingdom not mine...

2007-07-22T23:41:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder what it really mean to build God's kingdom.

i guess it means God's providence,

it means His promise

it means im whole hearted

it would be His heart that im after,
not my own goals or achievements,

nor hardwork due to my pride and fears of failure.

when bricks in my hands are used to build God's house,

im not easily discouraged,

because i know that He's in control,

my part is to give my ultimate best.

instead, when things dont turn out the way i expect,

i rejoice and praise Him,
for i know its His will being done not mine.

sometimes we get too busy building our own houses,

and leave God's house in ruin.

we work, but we reap little.

we expect much, but turned out to be little.

and disappointment overwhelm us too much,

that we lose sight of God.

God says "give careful thought to your ways"

are we doing ministry to hide things we fear?

are we doing things to make up for our inadequacy?

"stop trying to fit me into your life, but build your life around Me"

when things are discouraging,

look up,

and be encouraged.

He who is above never slumber nor sleep.

start to encourage,
and meet the needs around,

and we'll discover

adversity is a joy.

His kingdom, not mine.

a little update!

yesterday was mama's birthday!

went to this jap restaurant, all sushi at 99cents!

i always loved celebrations with the family,

simply and sweet.

dont need exaggerated plans or surprises,

just sitting around the table,

enjoying one anothers' presence.=)

ate like theres no tomorrow!

favourite dishes!!

dessert, with a wierd name..Nihon Sensation.haha

i love mama!!

celebrated seili's birthday couples of weeks ago too!
my special friend that i met in school.
yeah lots of effort,
but it takes someone important for such efforts.
indeed, i've learnt many things through how seili handles things,
her principles in life,
and how she cherish people in her life.
thank you for walking into my life.=)

i love you seili!=)

friendship in jc=)

2007-07-15T23:06:00.000+08:00

i think i must be more faithful with my blog.=)

today danfeng was saying that friends we make in secondary schools and JCs are the real friends,
cause we come together with no strings attached,
we do not already have expectations before we build these friendships.
i think that really made lots of sense to me.

when i look at my dad,
he has many friends, and when he needs help,
he always has someone to go to,
though they are not exactly very close.
and the other party would gladly offer the help too, cause they never know when they would need my dad's help.

perhaps thats what it is in the working world,
its like buying an insurance named"friendship",
invest for future benefits.

and i realized im in the last stage that i would have a medium for me to meet genuine friends,
im not saying that everyone else outside JC are baddies..
just that the friends i meet in school now are really friends i would like to keep for life,
and it would be great if we'll still be able to celebrate one anothers' birthday year after year..
oh! and go to each others' weddings!
*i cant wait to meet my husband* =p

someone said something like after jc we may not keep in contact with our friends anymore,
but at this point of time,
when we still have our friends with us,
he would give his best in friendships at each stage of life..
yeah something like that...i forgot who said that..
i guess this made sense too..

so my friends, i hope i'll be part of your future too.=)

having a great talk with jieying...over msn..
haha its quite rare since i always say i dont like to talk on msn..
oh well, i guess God can work in every form of communication so what makes me think i should only stick to the one i prefer?=)

my mind is having a ball of time,
been having great sharings and discussions with people..
and its really a retreat to my mind, to understand new insights..
it's really true, when i fast and pray, and focus my eyes on God,
even when work is hectic, and tasks are draining,
God makes me sensitive to the spirit, and im more refreshed than ever.

just hope that He doesnt mind a handicap toilet behind the canteen, at least it's spacious and private.=)

[when i think about the heavens
the moon and all the stars
i wonder what you ever saw in me.]

and yet,you've given me a crown,
what more can i ask?

build bridge not walls

2007-07-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

now, i have many many stones in my hand,
i can use them to build walls,
or build bridges.

i've used up way to many stones,
to build secure walls around my heart.

time to break down those walls and start working on bridges.

why must everything be done with a "why"?
before i put in effort in anything,
i ask "why?"
until and unless i find the answer,
i cant give my everything.

so, why do i serve God?
that i know, deep and clear, to fulfil the calling, so accomplish the task.
then, why do i build friendships?
i just learnt, life is all about relationships.

how well have i related with God?
how well have i related with my family?
how well have i related with friends?

i wonder if i dig into the deepest recesses of my heart,
how many friends have i allowed to stay there?
one? two? zero?

perhaps i tried too hard to be different,
i thought i would live very well just having me and myself,
i thought i enjoyed being difficult to reach,
i thought building friendships because i need them was being selfish.

just like how i broke down those walls to let God come in,
i guess its time to open the door to my heart,
and invite friends in, to be a part of my life.

i wonder if they would want to?
i wonder if they are like me, longing to be part of another life?
i wonder if they got tired knocking on my door for so long and received no answer.
i wonder if they've already given up.....

i dont know if i know how to build bridges to your heart,
i dont know if i can start building friendship without having any agenda attached,
i dont know if i know how to offer more than what i thought the world would accept.

i just know, i want to tear those walls down.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together,
they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
[ecclesiates 9-12]

will you help me build those bridges,
to reach out,
and to allow people to walk in?

God: winnie winnie, remember our pact?
winnie: yes God, i remember.

live simply, so others can simply live.

2007-05-31T20:45:00.000+08:00

had enough rest from that draining week,
cleared my mind,
packed my table.

they said the state of my table is the state of my mind.

its the beginning of many exciting journeys,
relationship journeys..
before unconscious love can occur,
i must be conscious in making deliberate efforts to love.

God i pray you'll teach me how to love..
love you more and more,
love them more and more.

after doing cha guan for the whole day..
mummy brought us to sheng siong after dinner!
in sheng siong...i find where i belong..haha
its totally like..my kind of place..

try imagining an auntie like winnie cheng,
roaming freely around sheng siong..
exploring everything she sees,
go up and down looking for cheapo bargains..
look closer..

she carries a wide smile on her face!

but im not greedy..
in the end i bought my all time favourite

CHIN CHOW!

and my new favourite
monmilk..
and then a mymelody sweet for my dear shepherd..

live simply so others can simply live.
the more i spend on myself, the less i give to others.
it's time to walk the talk.

the world in my heart..
each day i wake up,
the world in my heart.

channel 8 is showing social worker shows again..
and each time i watch such shows..
my heart just palpitate..
and that excitement will come again..

thats what i want to do..

but there ought to be a new perspective to it..
imagine meeting all the physical and emotional needs,
and yet not preach the gospel.
the men got the fish,
but will never know how to fish,
what more teach others to fish.

afterall,
what we need is more than physical companionship,
education or temporal emotional relieve..
what we need is to fill that God-shaped hole in our hearts,
a vacuum that nothing else can fill.

yes its right there..
you feel it?

winnie,
when you study,
the world in your heart.
no longer can you study just for exams..
it does little in pushing u forward.

the feeling is coming..
i can feel it coming.
come on winnie, be sound.

many things i cherish,
but for your kingdom,
i surrender.

my kind of...

2007-05-19T01:43:00.000+08:00

my blog is so boring...

no pictures..

no updates about happenings in my life..

take very long to update..

haha.

but, oh well.=)

had lots of thoughts on friendship recently..

and have yet to find an answer,

to all those questions spinning in my head.

perhaps that explains the long break from blogging.

make a decision,

to do the best thing,

turned out to be the most tiring yet joyful thing to do.

sudden change of attitude,

sudden change of behaviour,

people see and form impressions,

in my heart,

i know oh-so-well,

this is what i've chosen to do.

His smile captures more of my heart than this.

have been praying for a bigger vision,

one that gives me the reason to wake up everyday,

one that reminds me of the reason i give, i listen, i sacrifice.

perhaps i got to see more of the world,

i've got to know the stories of people far far away at the other corner of the world.

A levels, pre-u sem, JC, university, career,central a,

seemed to be all that the world around me asks of me..

but honestly,many times these expectations dont excite me very much.

the thought of having a stable career,

confined in singapore,

would do little in making my heart palpitate.

perhaps my heart's just tired of these responsibilities,

yet my mind tells me,

these are the passport to the world.

seems like theres a new direction for high school ministry..

methods change, the dream remains.

be ready, give my all.

saw this visual DNA thingy on gwen's blog..pretty interesting, go take a look!=)

http://dna.imagini.net/friends/

my kind of art..

my kind of treat

my kind of freedom...

how i'd like to listen to music...

my kind of bedroom..

my kind of excitement...

what i'd like to do now...

pretty much a reflection of my mood eh...=)

thanx all for dropping by to tag!

i appreciate those very much, and enjoy reading them very much, though i never reply..=p

what does love mean?

2007-05-03T11:40:00.000+08:00

experiences in life teach me great deal about myself,
about others, and above all about God himself.

was thinking about what daniel always said..
as we grow,
we love ourselves more.
we cherish time alone more,
we value our enjoyment more,
we start to think..
perhaps its time to think for myself.

have u ever felt that its enough,
enough of always givng
enough of always thinking about whats best for this person,
whats best for that perosn.
enough of trying to please everyone, and in the end no one's pleased.

when such thoughts come,
we're bound to be distracted by the good things in life.
we allow ourslves to stay in temptation awhile more,
so we can enjoy.
and satisfy certain desires in us that used to be of no issue to us.

was taking to zinc and we realized that girls are sensitive to the attention given to us.
many times when we like someone,
partly because of looks,
charisma,
character,
but more of it, is the attention given to us.
a mutual attraction.

but when such an attraction goes to no where,
neither a relationship nor total stranger..
thats where no one can point a finger and say
thats wrong.

it leaves us confused and lost..
so ...what?

perhaps its time to think whats more valuable.
are we sure we want to build our lives upon such feelings ,
that drives to no where?
perhaps its time to realize,
the pursuit of the one above means more to us,
and what the soul really needs,
the world cant provide.

if you get what im saying, that's good.
if not, i guess thats not an issue in your life then=)

yes, still love ourselves
love ourselves like how God loves us.
be merciful to myself,
forgive myself,
be honest with my weaknesses and sins,
adore my own strengths,
use my gifts,
lose myself in dancing and jumping in God's presence,
open my mouth and just sing like i have the nicest voice..

God would love to see me loving myself this way..
cause by doing so,
i love Him too.

used to not understand what it means to love.
what does it mean to love God?
what does it mean to love people?

love is giving time.
when i love God,
i give my time in prayer, in reading the bible..
i give my time in taking care of His flock,
i give my time in sowing seeds in people He loves.
i give my time to build His kingdom,
i give my time to fulfill my role as a student, a daughter.
i give my time in friendships.

yeah, its time to value my friends more.
its time to give more time and effort,
in building genuine friendships that last and encourage.

we have a greater cause to live for,
no longer is our lives just about ourselves.
love ourselves so we can love others like how Jesus does,
never love ourselves like how satan hate us, and taking away our souls from God's hand and hand it into satan's hand.

funny human beings.

2007-04-27T23:46:00.000+08:00

funny funny human beings.
what we think, is not how we act.
what we love, is not what we choose.
what we know, is not what we apply.
how we feel, is not how we express.

funny funny human beings.

its funny how we fear people's judgement on us,
and oblivious to what God thinks of us.
perhaps, people's views are tangible,
they affect us directly..
and God likes to hide,
He likes to be mysterious and doesnt like to shout.

when theres something within us,
that we find ourselves hiding from other people..
going back to the bottomline,
we're most afraid of what would people think if they know it?
and yet we forget that from the very beginning,
God sees it all..

we ask for help,
but when it comes,
we're reluctant to face it..
and rather cling on to the good things that distract us.

funny funny human beings...

as for me,
you would probably be astonished when you read my life like a book,
behind this mushroom hair,
there are so many struggles,
so many weaknesses,
so many distractions.
i wonder why God could stand me and still have not given up on me..

probably thats why He's God and im not.
thank God.

observed the power of asking for favours.
always preferred to be independent,
to do things on my own..
things i can handle, why make others do it?
but funny how i enjoy helping people when im asked to.
i feel trusted,
i feel im useful.
and thats how God asked us for the favour of spreading His love..
the task is huge and tiring..
yet the feeling that someone above trusts in a tiny ant like me,
would somehow make me feel that"oh....u mean i can do that?i never knew"
as much as im so thankful to be entrusted,
i want to give trust and depend on people too.=)

finally got to meet up with ting,
for our botak jones date..
in the end we didnt eat botak jones,
but shared our hearts like never before..

great courage we took..
to share something so personal and something even we ourselves are ashamed of..
funny how a friendship in God can cross out judgements.
and i realized that friendships that God favours,
will prosper according to His timing..
friends will come to each other's rescue just on time,
never late, never early.
compared to those friendships we try to rationalize n give great efforts to make it work=(

i feel so assured,
i know that even if we dont have time to meet up often,
God will bring us together in His timing, and in His own way.

hello angels in disguise.=)
yes, you.

2007-04-24T14:53:00.000+08:00

it was funny seeing myself and others,
when taking the lead, walking infront of everyone else,
sub-consciously turn back,
to check if people are following,
or have they stopped to discuss dinner place without informing the "leader"

after all, we're not good at leading
we suck at leading ourselves,
what more lead others..
when no one's ahead of us,
when whats infront seem confusing even to ourselves,
we cant lead people amidst uncertainty.

yet God has offered to let us tug our hands at the back of His shirt,
put our fingers on our lips,
listen to where we're heading,
and what is next..
we'll not get lost,
cause He is already the way.

that reminds me,
leading is not about me,
but about Him leading me,
to pass down the message,
to be His loud speaker,
and tell the rest,
just follow Him,
everything's alright.

so everytime i turn back to check if people are following behind,
let me be reminded,
that He's the lead in my life.

[my life is yours]

motive and secrets

2007-04-19T21:20:00.000+08:00

went for a run just now..
after slacking for ultra long,
needed to clear certain things within me..
just me and God.

its something i cant come into agreement with myself,
i cant totally be convinced of my motives..
i know sometimes i rationalize to make myself seem okay,
but being brutally honest with myself,
i cant trust my heart completely..

Jeremiah 17:9
"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.

oh heart of mine,
why do you desire for other things above Him?
is He not enough?
what are you searching for?
what are you trying to secretly achieve?
like a toy that goes a different way from the remote..
like a thieve caught in the act
still thinking that no one sees ..
the battle between the two voices,
only lead to escapism.
perhaps,
a cruel confrontation with the two parties face off,
would bring forth purity.

many times i wish i had rules to follow in every situation,
just tell me the right and the wrong,
what would please Him and what would not,
n i'll choose to paint that smile on His face.

but many times,
the expert in deceit comes into the picture,
push me towards the limit,
to test water,
to play with fire,
landing myself in remorse,
and condemnation.

Jeremiah 17:10
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be."

but we ought to be thankful,
that God doesnt work that way..
its not about those rules,
its not about being caught doing something wrong n i'll be eternally condemned,
but making a choice,
to walk the path of purity.
if rules control my life,
there'll be no growth,
no breakthrough..
just like a blind sheep following the wolf towards "home".

secrets..
things we keep within ourselves..
sometimes we share,
sometimes we hide..
used to have a little journal that records all my secrets..
which is a total of FIVE..
senseless stupid secrets..

"i love......"
"i hate....."
"i love and hate....."
"i dont know if i love or hate......"
"i don't want to write secrets anymore, its not fun."

written in P2,
fill the dotted line with my childhood crush..
and you'll get what i mean by senseless and stupid secrets..

real secrets belong to the mature,
for the not so mature,
they have short-lived secrets,
for the immature,
they have no secrets at all..

that explains why the whole class knew about my crush then..

i guess as we grow,
we've got to learn to keep some secrets,
not too much, cause they'll weigh us down.
go ahead and pour out things in our hearts,
reveal our vulnerabilities,
and we give trust to people we share to.

but being open is not a complete healer to all of heart's burden..
there are things that only belong to me and God..
selfishly dragging people to share ALL of my load
wont make me feel lighter..or happier..
but more immature.

there are some secrets that even when i keep them in my heart,
i can smile heartily,
cause its a common understanding between me and Him,
the one who understands completely.

so perhaps,
before we open our hearts to people,
learn to share our secrets with God..
He'll be a faithful friend to keep His mouth zipped.
so dont worry about gossips.

but i know,
that many times,
keeping a secret is tiring,
having to hide feelings,
change topics,
and i've yet mastered the art of keeping secrets..

what do you think?
how do you handle secrets about you?=)

haha such a vague entry..
saying so much and not mentioning a single word about the situation/the happening..
haha so perhaps this is the secret that belong to only me and Him..
when the time comes to share..
i will.=)

[take me,break me,mould me,make me]

a little effort to leave a testament

2007-04-16T23:17:00.000+08:00

tonight is such a rare night, i've run out of things to do at 11...when usually i would be rather busy rushing through work,preparetion and stuff...

went for training camp for slo,
and we learnt to acknowledge people for what they've done, or simply who they are..
and it made me think about what are the things people say of me that'll make me happy?
of course anything nice would make me rather happy,
but there are qualities in us that people dont see on the surface,
and different from what people would usually say about me,
and takes someone who's really observant to spot that in my life,
and that acknowledgement would usually weigh more than the others.

this quality in me changes according to my different life experiences,
at different stage of my life,
and of course different growth points that when people recognize it,
i feel elated...

what's one of your quality that would make u feel good when poeple recognize it in your life?=)

i guess it takes more than just looking at the person to be able to spot qualities hidden behind someone's speech, and behavior,
it takes a heart that genuinely thinks highly of others,
observes deeper than just the surface,
and listens to more than whats being shared.
if theres such a gift, i think daniel has it in him..
and i ask for a heart like this,
that acknowledgement would flow
that im no longer eager to be affirmed,
but eager to affirm.

how we see others is determined by who we are.
if we think someone is trustworthy, we are trustworthy ourselves,
to be able to see that in that person...
we only see what we know, and it takes one to know one=)

had a rather radical haircut,
and others seem to be getting the aftermath of it more than i do..
haha
it was interesting taking note of all the different types of comments
and laughing them off..
it has gained me certain degree of attention,
haha so if one day u suddenly feel unloved and need attention,
consider having a radical haircut that make u look like you're 12.

but other than all those laughing and making fun,
it feels good to be put into situations that God would show me i've grown.
those words are now simply passing comments,
no matter how my hair change,
im still winnie,
used to be so concerned of what people would say,
being defined by those comments
when they say i look like mushroom,
i would probably believe that im really a mushroom,
and would be conscious if people are laughing at me,
looking at me with some weird smile,
and perhaps wont dare to step out of the room..

haha but thats the past,
and when im put into the same situation,
God showed me that i've indeed grown.
no longer will such comments affect me,
no longer will they define how i view myself,
but taking delight in having a lighter head,
in looking more like my mum,
in knowing that my hair dont define who i am.

thank you for teaching me such a thing through such a fruity/mushroomy hair.=)

had a great time talking to calean,
realizing that we're actually very similar..
in our attitude towards relationships in our lives.

being task-oriented,
relationships tend to weigh lighter compared to the task we have on hand.
we would be enjoy and value personal space and time very much,
building up relationship becomes a very conscious thing,
and accepting friendliness became very cousious as well.
it would be easy for us to distinguish between best friends, good friends,aquaintances and hi-bye friends..
the lines are clear
and in our efforts to build any friendships in our lives,
there's a purpose attached, we know why we're giving ourselves into relationships,
and rarely putting in effort for nothing.

though this is how we're made,
we're come to a consenses that its important to build friendships in our lives.
after all, our lives are all about relating,
our service in ministry,
our dreams for the future,
our whole lifetime,
revolve around people.
what we need to learn is to advance the kingdom by influencing people,
and influencing takes sincere and genuine relationships.

learning to be genuine in building relationships in my life.

thank you for this fulfilling and exciting walk,
of discovering you and myself
mould me,
and use me.

thank you.

random of the random

2007-04-12T21:15:00.000+08:00

i realized im no longer as transparent about my life as compared to last time..
it used to be so easy to reveal my weaknesses, insecurity, fears, and all those not so nice things about myself..
perhaps now i've learnt not to take my weaknesses so seriously,
but accept them and keep growing from it.
in the weakest link in my life,
i keep falling into the same trap,
always fighting against same old temptations,
till i know it so well,
its coming and its going,
predicting my own reaction towards things,
and taking note of how i eventually respond.

or perhaps, im becoming more afraid of the world,
and how views of the world can affect me.
its hard to differentiate if my worries come from being other-centred of self centred.
grant me a sound mind.

its always great discovering how God has knitted me to be.=)

God has been assuring me of the direction im heading,
though sometimes it may seem different from everyone else,
and its hard to always believe in it strongly when ideas are exchanged
and interactions are made,
sometimes it made me feel more different,
even knowing that my conviction comes from a heart that simply wants to serve Him.
and i've learnt
that things when done out of a pure heart,
it comes in different dimensions and methods,
though humanly, sometimes one seems more powerful than the other,
both please the master equally.

just like someone who's called to be a pastor, and the other just a simple cleaner,
when heart desires are the same,
though to the world, the pastor would be making more impact
in the eyes of the loving one above,
both are equally beautiful.

learning to take delight in being a cleaner.

have been thinking about certain people throughout the week,
concerned and maybe a little worried..
keep wondering hows everything..
yet i dont see myself doing much about such thoughts..
dont wanna keep holding on to the string when the kite's supposed to fly on its own,
yet, humanly, a part of me still longs to keep them in their comfort,
knowing whats outside maybe not exactly be very easy for them.
and knowing also, they will make them stronger.

to the beloved people on my mind,
keeping u in prayers.stay on the road to His heart.

caught the hope peru missions team on channel u, xi you ji.
i've seen them on videos before, heard them before.
each time leaving a different impact in me.
courageously pursuing those desires put in them by God,
and going into the world, making small impacts along the way..
not wealthy, not famous, but a joy that comes from being faithful.
i guess thats what i wanna be.

haven been catching up with friends,
whom i know are important in my life..
i've got to slow down from being caught up by to do lists..
bless others and myself be refreshed.

[its a long long journey, and i need to be close to you]

thank you-the password to His presence

2007-04-05T19:59:00.000+08:00

stayed at home on tuesday,
partly because was sick and needed to rest,
but also needed an unrestrained time with God,
to think through about all that happened last week..
and the only word i could think of was
thank you.

thank you for the meeting up with ziying that stirred my heart so much, and guided me in my every step.

thank you for placing in me a conviction that grows so strongly and hearing my cry for your presence and help.

thank you for the chat with my classmates that drawn us closer to one another.

thank you for the meeting with the st margs scgs and bowen that i get to open my eyes to the big dreams they have for you.

thank you for the meeting with nan yang that i saw sparkles in their eyes when i talked about your dreams for us.

thank you bringing alyssa across the line that made me realize how much these souls meant to you and to me.

thank you for the corrinne may cd that mel bought for me, as much as the songs blesses my heart, the action of it moves me.

thank you for the cake that kelly n angelina bought for shepherd's appreciation, it came as a surprise and with much warmth.

thank you for sherlyn's card that gave me what i needed to hear,to continue to cling on and give my best to my sheep.

thank you for the ulm that you showed me you're more real than i thought u were.

thank you for the encouragement that you know my love and desire to be used by you, those words meant alot to me.

thank you for jinqi and elise who showed concern during the stayover.

thank you for those random yet comfortable talks with xiang yu, that blesses my heart.

thank you for the meeting up with angelina that refreshed me very much, and gave me the courage to do something i used to fear.

thank you for the waffer and card puiwah gave, it made me feel very loved.

thank you for the sharing with puiwah and calean that showed me many feelings in them i never knew.

thank you for very caring classmates who were concerned with my flu.

thank you for mummy who showed me that she cares much more than i thought she does.

thank you for seili who listened to me share those feelings i could so easily hide from other people.

thank you for the little walk to teck whye that im very blessed by the cheap and "commoner"food i liked alot.

thank you for the talk with my classmates that revealed to me things i never knew about someone..now i can pray for her.

woah a very long list of thank yous..

i realized that a parent's need is to be needed,
and yet many times we children dont seem to need them.
we may think that going to the doctor on our own will save our parents lots of trouble,
but maybe they would prefer that we depend on their strength when we're weak,
that brings more love than us being independent.

how great it is to have a dream worth living for,
that gives me great purpose in everything i do at every point of my life.
at times i may lose my way,
admist all those the world tries to preach,
yet in my heart, there resounds a voice,
that calls me back to the refuge,
when im wander in the wilderness.

[staying on the road to your heart]

bounce back strong

2007-03-26T23:42:00.000+08:00

[trampled and bitter,
my heart just wants to bleed and stop
believing in me...]

dont worry, im okay=)
satan really knows me very well
he knows my weaknesses
he knows my vulnerabilities..
and he shoots
again and again..

but i must bounce back strong..
not because i am strong on my own,
but i have Him to back me up..
my bouncer..
i shant share much here about the bullet he fired..
its not that serious afterall...=)

i did a personality test yesterday and my social needs were like
20%............
it looks rather pathetic..haha
like as if im a loner and wants no friends..
i guess its just that i would prefer having few very good ones
rather than being very popular among many people
after all im a rather emo person..haha

haha and gwen is like ultra funny..
she sounded like she desperately need to have a talk with me
because of some depression issue in her life..
then in the end we met up
and she ended up asking about those convictions with opp gender..

she sounded rather concerned..
like as if im gonna turn into a nun soon...
haha ..and as i explain to her i realize that actually,
if my heart really is convicted about those,
i dont actually need to list them down like these,
as if they are rules im forcing myself to follow..
if im trully convicted,
even when no one's looking
or no one knows my convictions,
my response and behaviors will be consistent .

mindset is such a powerful thing
it determines our attitude towards things
and inturn our behavior..
for a change of character,
must first start from a change in the mind..
behavior that goes against the mindset are pretensions
and they will tire us out.
note to winnie: dont just clean and polish the outside of the cup,
first clean the inside
and outside will also be clean.=)

"most people wear on their faces what is going on inside of them."
came across this in the book i was reading..
and perhaps its really like what zhengliang said,
face expressions do show that something is going through the mind.
it means when we judge,
though we do it within us,
our face betray us..

when one's genuinely concerned
the face reads empathy

when one's affected by certain words spoken by another person
the face shows a deep sense of uneasiness

what am i wearing on my face today?

haha my learning to make small things special is coming into application..
i was very moved in the morning that despite the rain
and the strong wind,
mrt trains will still make sure they send peopel off to work, to schools
just as usual.
not that it doesnt have to withstand the rain
just that it doesnt get affected..
haa yup so i was very moved..
but dont know what is the significance of this realzation though..

"those who have once tasted the goodness,
and take the word lightly,
will be easily abandoned by God."

go back to first love.

[and in your arms i find the strength,
to believe in me again.]

random thoughts

2007-03-24T02:15:00.000+08:00

had an amazingly enjoyable time blog surfing just now..
enjoyable because i get to see the greater things beneath who people seem to be on the surface..
every face has a story to tell
and every lip desire to tell it
yet few ears long to listen with a genuine heart
i want to be that few......

its been an enjoyable process going through common tests..
there were times i discover little things about myself
times i went through revision as if i dont have God in my life
times im corrected of my self-dependence
times that i jump around in joyfulness n assurance while memorising essays after essays
times i got tired
times i was refreshed
times that i got to think about stuff
and above all, times that i learn lessons about life and God.

reading corrinne may's blog was a great blessing..
how she shared about her life like talking to a friend
and how she talks about the most minor detail in her life
like what she had for lunch.....
it seemed like it didnt occur to her if her long entries would bore her readers..
but shes different,
shes a public figure,
there must be many people around very much interested in those details of her life..

for me its rather different..
it just feels different to be typing knowing someone may pop by n read these words
compared to just having me, God and my journal..

i guess each blog serves a purpose in different people's lives
there are blogs we constantly go to either for its knowledgable facts,
for the assurance that someone identifies with us
for encouragement
for inspiration
or simply just someone that we're somehow very interested in..

i guess each story behind each blog is special n unique
and it doesnt take a special heart to appreciate that
just a simple one that is concerned of the little stories in peoples' lives..

yup as i was saying about corrinne may's blog..
i guess it taught me to appreciate small things in life much more
any random person
any random happenings
any random things, we may find God there..
just that sometimes our hearts are closed n spirits are stale..

many coincidences are opportunities for us to see Jesus and reveal Jesus
but how sensitive are we towards these things?

suddenly very in love with her songs again..
maybe i should save up and buy her album=)

love a little bit more, just a bit more..
its been my desire
to love, just a little bit more..
yet many times restricted by time and money..
always thought that showing love must be a very deliberate thing,
having to spend lots of time working on a gift
and presenting it to the person..
yet actually what each soul needs is very simple..
maybe just a sms
a prayer
a hug
or just a sweet would do just fine..
cause what makes people feel loved is knowing that we're being thought of,
and that someone cares...

learning to make little things more special...

shepherd's appreciation

2007-03-15T00:30:00.000+08:00

yhope shepherd's appreciation.....ZIYING!!

its been alomost a year
that an angel walked into my life
quietly
the soul that waits with uncertainty of whats ahead
she held my hand
and led me through the search
the search for conviction, purpose and beauty

that hilarious beginning
the beautiful process
and a heart-wrenching parting that will one day come

she hid her wings
yet those shimmer around her halo tells many the direction
as it follows e shepherd
many follows behind

oh heart of mine
locked up by fear
by scars
and judgements of the world
the angel came
with a magic key from above
unlocked my heart
and it soared
now with the guts to dream
real big.

it must be the work of that creator
who knows exactly which key would fit
and which angel would paint my life the best

beneath those endless to-dos
and the selfless giving of the precious
there beats a heart
a heart that dreams
a heart that is faithful
a heart that lives for the audience of one

it's a heart like this
that hooked many souls
in pursuit of the One above

giving the best of you
bringing out the best in me
you lived your life to show me how to live

you said my life is an example for many,
i say your life is one i immitate.
you said my presence was a delight,
i say time with you always satisfy.

one thing i long to say:
thank you for being you.

realizations..

2007-02-18T14:03:00.000+08:00

when it seemed like all's messed up by me,
when it felt as if theres no way out,
He came and rescued me.
He just lifted His fingers, and everything's settled.
everything came so so timely...

a word of assurance"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

a reminder:

as high as the heavens, are above the earth
so high are your ways above mine
ways so perfect
they never fail me
i know you are good all the time.
and through the storms, YET i will praise you
despite it all, YET i will sing
through good or bad
YET i will worship
for you remain the same, king of kings.

[when there seems to be no way, u made it possible]

a leader who offered help..

He knew exactly what i needed.

yet there were much thoughts of self-disappointment, much blame upon myself, much disgust at the way i run away from things..

it was hard, drawing a balance,
between being merciful to myself, and taking the responsibilities that i should.
was it another test of pride? or learning not to be too hard on myself?
the creator knows, and we'll go through it together..

may:"be still n know who God really is."
yeah, perhaps i really got to make this right.

love this kind of holidays...
a time to renew and start afresh.

thanx for the many many second chances.

ting:" learn and grow from this experience"

yeah i guess thats the right way to look at it.=)

besides this, i made a discovery about myself on friday..
being a melancholic who has extreme emotions,
my form of escapism is being all high n crappy..
especially when there are people around me, most of the times non-christians..
when there are things troubling me,
things waiting for me to settle,
and things i hate to face,
i'll resort to senseless laughter,
loud, and oblivious to image.

in church, i guess it's different,
no matter how much i try to hide,
people somehow see through my mask,
and slowly, im not so prone to hiding, but on the other hand, learning to not let my emotions affect others..

read a book, that says maturity comes when you dont show your anger,even if you're angry, do it secretly.

i guess whatever the emotion, i got to learn to express them wisely.

some things that are worth remembering...

all thanx to fangxuan, we get to play with the tractor!

this is my clique in school, me, ceci, sue sue, seili, whom im really thankful for.

we share our joy, stress sorrow and above all, food. jieying said that whenever she's with us, she feels as if shes having picnic. haha

though after school we are all busy with our own things, i really enjoy being with all of u during school. laughing at stupid things, encouraging and motivating one another,going to secret places with best friend,eating seili's "self-baked-everyone-say-not-nice-only-we-say-nice"pineapple tarts,and gobble ceci's very nice cookies... people may call us clique-ish, anti-social, but oh well..*shrugs*

exclusive for best friends!=)

then it was valentines day! every year's single but this year is special cause i donated blood!=)

i thought i was strong and can donate double portion..haha but apparently i overestimated myself, just one bag was of such difficulty..

but somehow i felt guilty that i didnt go with a mindset to really help people, but wanting to experience new things..helping people is a bonus..

and it was sad that my parents arent very supportive of me doing this..=(

another thing was this valentines gift from elena n fel..

its a new kind of feeling having two extra living things in my room fighting for oxygen with me..

i decided to name them by my two good friends

sleepy and hungry..haha

sleepy is the orange one on the left, she hardly moves..always at the same place..but the thing is she's not dead..so i assume that shes rather sleepy like me..

haha the other one is a total opposite! moves very vigorously,n very quickly! and so i assume again that she must be pretty hungry cause she exercises quite alot..=)

okay! i shall go off and do some work..

[you'll make a way, when there seems to be no way]

fearless central a

2007-02-04T21:39:00.000+08:00

030207
tears of bitterness,sense of helplessness.
feelings of disappointment,rage of anger.
many questions of "why?" , waiting for me to search.
too tired.. but the truth has yet to come.
told to reset, fingers too weak to press the button.
wanting to know whats ahead, yet eyes blurred with tears.
the thought of persevering seemed like a tap,
switch it on and emotions flow.
at the back of my mind,something seemed to be running away.
i called it back,but u it was too prideful and fearful to stop runnung.
help lent its hand, rejected it once, admitted i need.
no longer lost, i was being led.
on top of the tree was i, above the tree was the sky,
God is there.

the room filled with sniffing, none locked her emotions
secrets meant to be kept and locked tightly in that box called fear,
poured out without self-consciousness.
hurts? hard-feelings?
shall stay just for awhile.
when the door opens, hearts shall open.
feelings were told,
they appeared in my mind before.
nothing was done, hearts were hardened.
guilt, regret.
stupid feelings i had.
mind filled with nothingness, and nothingness brought along gratefulness.
answer was soon revealed,
Fear it is.

that cunning voice said
compare and see, far from good you are.
that gentle voice reminded,
not all things you can do.
what's ahead?
much letting go.
for the fear that gripped our legs
ran in cowardice in authority of heaven.
whats next?
much kneeling down,much working hard,much fearless.

Fearlessness, claimed back.

FEARLESS CENTRAL A!!

my gosh, sound so solemn..haha
but dont you sense victory?
maybe now not yet..
coming soon.
cause someone picked up our collar for us and with us.
thanx daniel.

i want to make a promise to take good care of my spiritual life..
above all else, pay the most attention to it.
simply because its a joy, a way of life, and a responsibility.
if i dont take good care, others suffer.

had alot more to write..but forget already..haha
so i shall go do maths and pack my file for the week..
and spend a good time with dad.=)

my soul is restored
my heart is renewed
theres no greater joy Lord,
than being with you.

replying tags

2007-01-26T00:47:00.000+08:00

haa after so long i decided to should be faithful with the tags people kindly dropped me..
and i didnt reply is not because i dont appreciate them k!
i really love reading tags! haa so i shall reply to them one by one..=)

seili:
haa u tagged me like last year and now then i reply.
oops!
anyway..been having fun with you in school,
thanx for being a positive influence,
and again, i know i've made the right choice to mix with you.
thank you seili=)

stef:
haha oh my gosh i dont think you even remember you've tagged me..
haa and you reminded me that i should update my realization list soon..
=)

shiyou
yup! and i'm thankful that both of you chose to bring it up to me!
and i remember to call back when you go over!
i may not love talking on the phone but i wanna make effort to be a pillar of support you can lean on.=)

elise:
haha i've replied this tag about wanting to build that relationship with me!
haa thankew for putting in great efforts..
reply you again later for you latest tag! haa=)

jieying
haa yes jieying! i rememebered you! thanx for tagging!
im very blessed to see young lives like you serving God and investing in the best.
keep going!=)

tiffany
haha tiffany! yes i know you!! but nowadays like seldom see you..
i will jump in joy when i see you around..
haa fairfield all the way!=)

mel
thanx mel!
yah i cant wait to be used to do great things!
thank you for being a support i can depend and rely on.
enjoy my time spent with you=)

sherlyn
china girl!!
haha china not good meh...good mah..haa

sandy
haha you are super funny lah, happy girl become angry girl..
yes i gave you shepherding with a teaching!
haah n im updating my blog regularly too!
you better read every word and learn them by heart man..
i will test you!!haa=)

wanmin
hey wanmin! so long never see you also..
thanx for reading my entries..
its actually enjoyable to blog, but sometimes lazy and tired..
but tags like these will make me wanna blog more..haa=)

weiming
haa xiaoming..thanx for visiting..
remember you owe M.E.me a cheer!=)

mila
hey hey!! yes our monday meetings!!
okok lets resume it soon man!!
we can go running or smthing..hee
hey remember that you are valued and loved.=)

sherlyn
haha sherlyn thanx for you GO WINNIE.
i enjoy spending time with you
and thank you for being so people oriented.
i know you'll give your best.
keep running..
we're in this together=)
thank God for your efforts.=)

May
may!! been reading your blog..
though nowadays when we meet we dont have much to talk about..
except for a short interview session..
haa but it'll be great if we can meet up one day and really catch up!!
and not just me interview you but sharing our love stories with Daddy..=)

mel
haha mel again..
can see you are real encouraging
and you know what?
all thses mean lots to me.
so thanx for taking the effort to do all these..
and i love you!!=)

edgar
hmm haa i prefer onions..
and thanx for being so kind in lending me all the stuff..
i promise i wont call the police..haa

sinyee
sinyee!! haa yah yah my earplugs very loud..
i think im going deaf soon also..
haa next time if you see me again must shout my name loud loud!
louder than the music!!
when i see everyone looking at you i know you're calling me..haa

sherlyn
haa china girl again..
thankew for reading..really i feel appreciated..
i pray that God'll put more great things into my life and he'll speak to you through all that He's doing too!=)

Elise
thankew for sharing my life!
i love to open up to you cause you always listen and genuinely care..
and you remember small details that means lots to me.
thankew for being a great friend..
looking forward to more outings with you.=)

okay..finally...=)
dont forget to read the post below too!=)

blessings

2007-01-26T00:04:00.000+08:00

i've been wanting to put this down since many many days ago..

last friday was a day of solitary..haha though i seem to be doing that very frequently, that time was well spent=)

much burden and uncertainty weighed me down.
breakthrough=doing things differently
but what exactly is doing things differently?
will this work?
will that work?

i wrote down all the matters of my heart that was weighing me down..
yet no word was spoken.
i couldnt stand it..
i wrote into the most minor stuff i could ever think off..

and in the midst of the fast and furious writing..
i caught a word on the surface of my heart..

fight.

fight???? why fight???
50=fight??!!
in my years of christianity i didnt know wanting to do greater things means to get into a fight..

haa n while i was so engrossed into thinking what will work, what wont work..
it came again..

"the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." exodus 14:14

oh~~~

so that was what i heart needed.
strategies are means to success,but not the basis of success.
He is.
planning for strategies is showing faith through deeds,depending fully on strategies is building castles in vain.

after the solitary,something seemed to be on track again.
yet my heart couldnt settle.
playing the piano made it worse..
more frustration, more unspoken bitterness.

i wandered around the house,wondering if i needed to talk to someone..
donnoe what i need to say...
but just talk.
but i didnt know who should i turn to...
it'll be too random to call someone up wanting to rant something yet not knowing what to say.

and on msn..just out of nowhere, jamie popped up..
we so seldom talk online...konw that shes there but really seldom talk..
and she asked "how have you been?"

my heart melted.
i know that was from God..
the only one in this whole wide world who knows exactly what im thinking, and what i may need.

so close up and so real.
i can hardly deny your goodness

have been seeing God's faithfulness in my life
witnessing for myself breakthroughs i never knew could be done so easily with Him.
i've finally be able to stand firm and choose to ignore my best friend when she pesters me during lessons...
often tempted to entertain her abit.
but will choose to go look for the toilet/sweets instead.
my best friend is losing me as a friend..
she might be on her way to look for you!
look out for her!
official farewell to my best friend:

bye, sleepy.=)

dont wanna be affected..
the more my heart tells me so,
the more my behaviour shows the opposite..
i need wisdom and a sound mind.

in the midst of the storm
through winds and the waves
you'll still be faithful
oh you'll still be faithful

when the stars refuse to shine
when time is no more
you'll still be faithful
oh you'll still be faithful
oh Lord.

when i was unfaithful, you remained faithful.
thank you for being the same you.

=)

the answer....jesus.

2007-01-18T22:48:00.000+08:00

learnt a few terms in GP today.
and realized there's a bigger picture to all that we're experiencing everyday.
heard many ridiculous and inhumane things done out of ignorance,and just carnal desires.
but all these are done at the expense of human lives.
precious lives.
lives with a soul and a heart.
yet they are being trampled on as if they are worthless.

-infanticide
the act of killing an infant. it happens in places like india pakistan and all,baby girls are being drowned at their birth..why? because they are not boys.

-children soldiers
this is being shown in blood diamond,where young innocent brats are taught to use guns,taught to be immuned to pain and suffering, that they just take the gun,point at their family, and shoot.
young hearts are supposed to be untainted by the evil
yet,at a young age, they've lost themelves.

-child labour/prostitution
we've heard this many many times,children as young as 6,7 are forced to work..or be sold to prostitution. their parents wont mind giving away their children to those dealers, cause they are just too poor to even make ends meet.
and i thought, dont they love their children?

-children divers
young children are made to dive down 10 metres or so to collect some shell things that have pearls inside..
donnoe what are they called..
and many of them never surfaced.
again, their parents made them do it..

india
over there, if someone'e being knocked down by a car
the body's left there..
at the middle of the road..
simply no one cares..
maybe to them, its just another worthless life.

i wonder what on earth can really put a stop to these.
here we're concerned about meeting people's spiritual needs,emotional needs, and talking so much about taking care of the soul..
arent they the same as us?
yet i wonder if they themselves find that soul in them?

they wont know when will they be raped,
die of hunger
beaten to death
.....
....
.....

the kind of fears we have are so different..
not that our fears are not significant..
just that...
why does it seem so different?

i wonder if i were one of them in india, and i look at winnie's life, what will i think..
will i be angry? that she's not doing her ultimate best to bring the real answer to me?
will i be ashamed of her? that i'll want to take her place instead and treasure the life with God much more than she does?

what is the real answer?
who can ultimately put a stop to this?
is there any other answer that makes more sense than what God provides?

afterall, he is the answer, to life's mystery..
we look at the world, and say that God is cruel
but we often forget to look at the cross, and say that God is good.

human lives..
when will i truly see how much God values them?

such injustice..and yet theres nothing much i can do for now..
to value lives..
it starts from around me.
starts from 50 precious souls
starts from me and my household serving the Lord.

[just to be with me, you've done everything.so i'll remain in your love]

am setting aside time tmr to pray, and listen to God.
my binoculars have spotted problems coming on their way..
uncertain about what to do
uncertain about whats ahead
yet i know, they are part of walking on water.
no matter how difficult, how hopeless it seems
someone backs me up.

feel like screaming...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but satan you know what?
the harder you knock me
the harder i'll bounce back.

cause He's my bouncer.

=)

the right motivation.

2007-01-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

its been a few days since i woke up from choosing to ignore my ever-increasing weight.
i can tell people so easily that i'm on diet, and the reason is simply because im going to be overweight soon.
yet in my heart, i've yet to find the right motvation in doing so.
why did i choose to give up nice food, nice drink and regular satisfaction of hunger?
and today i decided to drop by ps jeff's blog and this article spoke to me..=)

To fulfill your life mission, get in shape in 2007
by Rick Warren

Did you know your body is a tool? God can use it to fulfill his purposes in the world. But you must cooperate first.

You see, for God to use you in 2007 like he wants to, you’ve got to take care of your body. “Don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” (1 Cor. 6:19-20 NLT)

How do you honor God with your body? It’s simple. You take care of it. This is a good time for a confession. In January 2005, I started asking God what he wanted to do with me for the next 25 years. I started thinking about the P.E.A.C.E. Plan and what God wanted to do through the global Church in the coming years. It didn’t take long for me to realize I was going to need a lot more energy. I needed to get in shape. So I confessed to God that I hadn’t been in the kind of shape he needed me to be in the past. Then I told him that I wanted to honor him with my body and consciously take better care of it from now on.

Psalm 119:73 (TLB) says, “You made my body, Lord. Now give me the sense to heed your laws.” God set up the principles of good health. He says there’s a balance between sleeping, eating, and exercising. He says you need all three.

My guess is that everyone reading this article needs to work on at least one of these three issues. Some of you aren’t getting enough sleep. You’re tired all of the time. And often it’s because you’re staying up and doing something that isn’t all that important. By having just one extra hour of sleep on most nights, you’d be surprised at how much more effective you’d be in ministry. God can’t use somebody who’s tired all the time.

Psalms 127:2 (NLT) says, “It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.” For some of you the most spiritual thing you could do is go to bed. You need to get your rest.

Some of you need to control your eating. I don’t know why God made food taste so good. He could have made it all taste like oatmeal, but he didn’t. So we need to practice self-control. Just because it tastes good doesn’t mean it does good things to our bodies. What you put in your stomach – and what you don’t – matters.

And of course, you need exercise. We all do. Many of us will start a whole new exercise regiment this month – hoping to start the new year off right. Stick to it. Put it on your schedule. Don’t let it become just a whim that you forget about by February. This is the year to get this right.

You can have a wrong attitude or a right attitude toward your body. What’s the wrong attitude? You can neglect it – just not pay attention to what you are doing to it. Reject it – tell God you want someone else’s body. And you can perfect it. Worshiping your body is just as wrong as worshiping anything else.

But the right attitude is to respect it and protect it. That’s what God wants you to do with your body. Why? Because God created it, Jesus paid for it, and the Holy Spirit lives in it.

1 Corinthians 9:25 (NLT) says, “Athletes practice discipline and self-control. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize.” We take care of our bodies because we want to please God. We’ll be rewarded for that in eternity.
i need to know exactly why do i want to lose weight..
izit for the love of the world?
izit for the desire for certain standards of beauty?
if its because of all these, i rather not do it.

Daddy, let my motivations come from you.
to use the physical means to remind myself, going for 50 is like a run.
if i cant even pull through the physical strain,what about the emotional and spiritual parts that are on their way to come look for me?

search my heart and reveal to me my real motives in doing things.
help me to be convicted about taking good care of my body, and the way is to watch my diet, exercise and sleep well, you cant use me if im always tired..

i want to be your intrument.

sandy 's birthday today!!

God, thank you for sharing sandy with us.
use her greatly in the coming year.=)

search me=)

2007-01-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

just part of the verses God showed me today..
the covenant renewed at shechem..

all those aimlessness, frustration, and efforts to try fill that void..
knowing that it'll never be filled..

and im back..after 10000003 times..someone held my hand and said, hey, comeon, lets go.

this is the evidence of our covenant..=)

haha incase you feel that this photo looks more like a quan jia fu, family photo..
yes it is.hah

the post orientation syndrom is over..
and im so so glad.
no longer need to find happiness through mere superficial words
nor falling asleep on my journal

but i cannot be biased either..
i enjoyed orientation..
i made new friends
i met new people..
very entertaining ones and very trustworthy ones..

and these are the peopel i've been mixig with!!

og14

hanssen ogls

wanted to put my partner's photo but aiyah forget about it lah...
cant boost his ego tooo much..

today jo told us about her..
i went into deep thoughts..
was i feeling sad?
disappointed?
scared?
or insecure?
i guess theres really nothing much we can do..
unhappiness, dislikes..towards the structure, the people, the group..
does everyone have thoughts like these?

izit really there are huge problems with the unit?
or izit just them?

but once again, i realized..
i was secure.
i know im commited to central a..
i know im not trading anything for it..
so...
all lies on the power of prayer, when i've no idea what can i do..=)

n i just realized i've got to pass on the dmw journal tmr..
talking about dmw..i feel so blessed to be in it and the whole dmm of central..
God has put me in the right place
no dooubt the greatest blessing for me..together in a package with my shepherd.=)

=)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."
psa 139:23.

oh heart of mine..what has been occupying you?
will you let go?
and a voice sounded..
let it go.

ready for hardwork

2007-01-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

its been a week ever since i took up the challenge..
and it has become my boyfriend.
i think about it whenever im alone..
and always assuring myself"all your promises wont let go of me"

i thought about how to do it
what to do now
where to start
and just exactly how to go about doing it?

and i've got a conclusion.
i've got lots to do.
haha..lots of hardwork and dilligence..

but somehow, am ready for them.

the week was rather tiring, but filled with joy
seeing the pieces of God's puzzles coming together
and seeing God's fingerprints in everything happening
i feel so at ease..
knowing this path is cuo bu liao de.

though i can always picture myself waiting at the door for problems to come by and knock...
many many unwillingness yet waiting with expectation.
"water walkers expect problems"
i want to be a water walker.
and i know that along with problem, he'll secretly bring along some presents with him
and when i've defeated problems, the presents will come knock on my door.

like "tah tah!!!"
and then they'll pop some party poppers
and say congratulations!!
then we'll cheer together!!
"clap clap clap clap.ye su, ye su, ye su, YAY!"

then they'll tell me..somemore problems are on the way..
haha and inturn there'll be many more celebrations too!

okay i just side tracked pretty far away.

but oh well, problems will really come, cause am not giving up.=)

"if you would use someone,wont you use me."
my gosh this is like the best song i've ever heard..haha

it feels as is am exposing myself to "danger"
yet in the things i've went through, i know this area is not an issue in my life.
but why do i still have those sudden feelings of......of....fear?

oh and God showed me once again that i've grown in another area!!
its such a joy to know these growths in my own life
cause i myself know the best.
and its like "finally!" that kind of feeling..
so much relieve
so much assurence.
and this area is *drum rolls* SECURITY!!
not the close gate that security but confidence in God.
it was an area of testing since last year..
they came in so so many forms..
i cant say i've fully defeated it..
but i know im making progress.

and you know what? this was given into my life cause its essential to His 50.
discovering more...stay tuned.=)

As it is written: "I have made you a father of many nations." He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.-romans 4:17

i am not, but he called me as though i am.
such trust.

and because you believe in me,

what can stop me from believing in you?

=)

amazing things..

2006-12-31T12:20:00.000+08:00

Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you." Joshua 3:5

Amazing things...i've always longed for and desired for.

this verse stirred my heart so much, amazing things!!!

after all the moulding and realizations, He's finally challenged me to step out and face the things i've been running away from..

my ministry.

in quantity,central a hasnt been a fruitful group.
and honestly, i've been using quality to cover up for what i've not achieved in the quantity.

i've become numbed towards setting goals and not hitting them.
failures no longer mattered as much to me cause they seemed to happen all the time.
and disbelief started to creep in,
and slowly no longer dare to ask God for great things.

i felt left behind
everyone else had fruits
everyone else had exciting stories to share
n i wont be surprised to find myself hiding in demoralization

"maybe central a is meant to be small"
"maybe im the cause of the fruitlessness"
"maybe the way of doing things was wrong"

stupid thoughts i had.

and He went a long way to convince me that pigs can (still) fly---shirls=)

first it was the camp..i have to be convinced that He can do great things through me.
then was the christmas cards..
then the talk with angelina at the expense of the chalet
and then was the shepherding with ziying that really revealed to me what i really wanna go for deep within me.

"why not you ask God for 50?"

i nearly thought ziying had a fever or smthing and mistaken me as superwoman..

but as she shared more, it made so much sense to me...
this 50 will not only mean alot to God but also myself.
i got to see for myself that im serving a real God..
and not always chasing after my own tail, tiring myself out and seeing no glory of Him.

so it was set.

with no idea how to do it but just clinging on.

didnt want to tell too many people about this breakthrough i wanna see in my ministry cause was scared if never achieve again i'll lose face..
haha stupid right?

so now everyone who knows what we're chionging for is held accountable for us!=)

so my new year resolutions!!!

1. breakthrough in ministry! 50=) not just as a number on its own..but an evident of His promises to me.

2. a balanced life. in the midst of ogl stuff, ministry and family, i want to experience God in my studies.
i wanna be consistent with my work, listen well and do my homework.
not because by mere hardwork i can achieve superb results
but because when i give 100% on my part, He promised to give 100% of His part.

so my classmates if you are reading this please hold me accountable!!
wake me up when im sleepy during lecture
subject reps chase me for my homework like chasing for money!!
and stop me if i tend to eat too much during breaks again..haha

after that dan feng show me some article about bloggers making their blogs famous by talking about some political stuff instead of themselves, and this book that help u change the world, i feel so obliged to talk about more cheem and professional stuff..

haha he does it so well but thats so not me..
it doesnt feel nice to be always conscious of what im writing and who will read it..
so just pray that my life will be alright so when i just simply talk about my life, God's name can be glorified.

wah...=)

here i am, send me.=)

amazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing thingsamazing things!!!!!!!!!!!

wounds...be healed.

2006-12-10T00:21:00.000+08:00

the message..
has finally came in its full form..
maybe there are bits of them that i've not seen
but He has revealed to me,
whats i hold on to dearly and what i should let go..

the message was simple.
i'm deeply loved.
something i thought i understood eversince the day i came
yet it took me so long to finally surrender and humbly receive that love.

the night that both shiyou and angelina suddenly felt so strongly burdened for me,
was the night that i secretly made false assumptions.
i was writting down what i thought was true.
i told myself that after 18 years,
because of my personality and how i behave,
i'm not a person that people would take special notice or concern.
especially among my relatives, my jie and mei mei are usually the more remembered ones.
and i was thinking that i can let go of relationships easily.
i can do without them, i will be okay alone
i may be happier alone.

because of such assumptions i've made,
i was so stingy with my relationship with people around me.
school friends, my caregroup, family.
i put in so little, i reserved so much.
i was afraid that the way i love would not be accepted.
many times i thought of showing love, and i held back.
i was afraid im not good enough to provide love, comfort and encouragement.

when i told daniel about it,
he told me it might be because of what i experienced with cathy and viola.
the two who served closely with me
encouraged me along
taught me great things
yet,left God.

i didnt think of that at all..
i thought, yeah, maybe thats the reason.

but after what my mum said last night,
i realized, the wound came from my beloved family.

i'm the middle child in the family.
i have a capable sister above me
she studies well,
she does things well
she relates well
or rather, she does many things better than me.

i'm constantly being compared with.
though just subtly
i'm constantly being put down by hearing things like
"i dont have to worry about her,i know she can handle it well"
"i see the way she studies, and i know she worths my care and love"
"you look at her, she stays at home all the time during exam period and she scores well, i dont know why must you keep studying outside."
"what rubbish is your study timetable, waste time! she doesnt need those and she can do well."

those things she said last night totally shocked me..
after so many years
she views me as a trouble maker
as a cold blooded daughter who cares nothing excepts helping people.
oh that sounds exaggerated...haha

that was when i felt that the way i love wasnt being accepted.
the way that i do things are being understood the wrong way
and it wasnt just last night..
it has been like this since donkey years ago..

but oh well, even with such wounds..
God showed me so much through many people,
many incidents..
too long to say,but if you ask me i'll wanna share with you!
he told me that many people care about me
many people are concerned about me
many people love me
and above all, He loves me.

i really wanna break away from those messages my family sends to me
messages that put fear in me
messages that cause me to be so conscious of the way i love, so afraid that what i do will be understood the wrong way by my friends like how my parents do.

part of me says forgive her.
and it sound ultra ridiculous to me..
who am i to give forgiveness?
then how should i break away from those bitterness and those false assumptions she makes about me?
so i can love her with boldness
and without fear.

perfect love casts out all fears

i guess its time to surrender to the perfect love giver.

and understanding His love for me, i'll give myself much more into any relationships around me.
i'll love people without fearing the way i show love wont be accepted.
cause afterall, i'm being accepted the way i am.
i'm being loved the way i am.

i really hope that this isnt stumbling..
just sharing my thoughts and turning points in my life.
and if there are other perspectives towards my family, please please share with me.
am so afraid to let bitterness consume me.

yup so here's the learning from the trip and the message that God showed me through so many people and incidents.
i dont know what else to say,
i just know im loved and i'm called to love.

will never walk away...

2006-12-05T15:14:00.000+08:00

winnie feels like the most loved girl in this whole wide world.
someone sttubornly holds on to her
someone favours her
someone protects her
someone quietly works things around her though she always just blindly walk her own way
someone cares about her heart and her soul so dearly He never allows anyone to bring her away from Him.

no matter how fierce was that spiritual battle
no matter how strong that feeling of being lost and burdened is
no matter how many times winnie is brought away by other things

winnie will never walk away from this relationship, this friendship, this family.

all those thoughts that were in my mind,
the talk with shiyou
the email from angelina
all those tags
all those prayers
all those genuine care and concern

proved me wrong of certain assumptions i've quietly made.

oops got to go...i just came to say all those things God allowed in my life,
are to send me a message.

and i got that message.

all your promises wont let go of me.

i will surrender and give you my promise and my vow.
and i will fulfil it.
through your faithfulness and strength.

i will come back stronger than i used to be. =)

let go.

2006-11-27T12:58:00.000+08:00

to those who were concerned, prayed for me on saturday itself, thank you so so much. just to update you guys..=)

we managed to get the ticket for my mum and my mei mei, on the spot. went through a lot of breakdowns in the system, quarrelling with the people at the counter, begging and all.
so me, my mum,and my mei mei took the flight at 7 and my sis the flight at 8.

basically, my grandma couldnt wait for us to reach. passed away at 8.40
thanx again for your prayers, xuanting sherlyn and sandy on this.
thou it didnt turn out the way we prayed for, i didnt blame God, i was joyful. and really really appreciate your prayers.=)

i witnessed everything from beginning till the end.
the ceremony, the coffin, the cremation, the bones remaining and the tomb itself.
she didnt look like my granny, she looked like someone else's granny.
scrawny and..i dont know how to say..pi bao gu..
but no matter what she became, she's my granny.

i cried the least, yet inside of me, it was the hardest for me to let go.
i kept thinking about what i saw, the memories we shared ever since i was sensible. some part of me still wanna cling on.

but God is good. i will cling on tO Him.
i will love my family more.
i will bring them nearer to God each day
i will stay strong for my family.

yup just to update those who are concerned! am okay. will come back on 7th.

it's all about you, Jesus
and all this is for you, for your glory and your name
and this is ....
as if you should do things my way
you alone are God ans i surrender.

the song that came to me on the cab to airport.
He told me His presence will never fail me.
He was with me all the way.
yeah He still is.=)

my friends, as much as i cant live without God, you need Him too.

come on winnie, let it go.

Daddy, thank you for this family and the family in hope.really.

being faithful with my blog=)

2006-11-19T00:03:00.000+08:00

after so long, i've decided to be more faithful with my blog=)

the past weeks were very happening! both in my own spiritual life and things around me. learnt so much and realized so much.

remember i mentioned about winnie's retreat?
it was great.
i confessed my sins
one by one..
those that are constantly in my life, those i secretly cling on to, and those that i wasnt even aware of until God showed me.

it was a release..
and experiencing that unconditional grace once again..

the mario game is getting on fine!
the beginner is killing more turtles and eating more flowers and growing bigger..
yes she still dies, but she gets up strong and victorious..
because she has decided to take her hand off the keyboard, and let the pro play on her behalf instead.
she now knows the game is not her own..
its not a single player game
its a partnership, two players, with the pro leading the way.
mario is smiling happily like the happiest boy in earth.=)

today dad told me into my ears thats he's been there, he never left, and he will always be with me.
something that i always knew yet sometimes doubt about.
learning about the traps of leadership was such a cruel truth.
its like a lesson just for winnie..
when the points say
winnie stops growing,
winnie becomes insensitive
winnie is distracted
winnie stops caring...
and blah blah blah.
my gosh i feel wierd to keep typing my own name.haa

it hit me real hard.
n i've written it down to paste beside my bed.
every night before i sleep i shall evaluate through if i've fallen into any of them.=)

now im pretty thankful for those tough periods i've gone through for the past weeks.
i discovered my weakest links in my own life,
haha surprisingly has got nothing to do with the opposite gender,
which im very glad..
but its like pride and yet self condemning..
so contradicting man..
aiyoh contradicting winnie..
and these two things will keep coming
though i've overcome before,
the next time it'll come in a different dimension,
and hopefully a higher level of struggle
cause it'll mean i've grown by then,
and satan will have to use stronger weapons on me=)

on sat i realized daddy is actually working things around me
even at the lowest point of my life
yet i failed to see all those..i only grew bitter and frustrated.
how silly.

i'm gonna start study tmr..
and be a dilligent and faithful winnie
but i realized i haven even finished watching gong..
the tv is already ahead of me..
slow pok.

last week was happening! an i cant wait for this week to come!!
the many things that we're gonna do together..
but today i just got to know about something...
something that i think i'll need some time to let go..
but oh well! bloom where we're planted=)

im flee-ing away quite well
it feels good to be away from that
maybe because its not coming after me as well
haha everytime when im tempted to turn back to stop flee-ing
i always literally punch myself and psycho myself to think about central a
think about matthew party
think about sweater
think about the lost
think about 1k.

haha its indeed better to think about those=)

i've been taking long bus trips alone
surprisingly not falling asleep
i thought about many things in the past..
like how God brought me through
laugh at myself for those silly mistakes
smile as i eventually see the whole picture
and understanding why did He put all those in my life.
=)

i feel so loved
i feel the grace lavished on me..
i feel so protected
i feel so safe
i feel so at ease
i feel so confident
even admist the storm=)

was talking to angelina the other day
and its so interesting to find out that here in singapore,
everyone has many responsibilities and considerations to make before making any decision
like when i decide not to go to school
this decision on its own will not just affect myself.
thats why we always see that after exams when everyone pons every lesson
people will surely turn up for project work no matter how tired they are
not that they are so in loved with project work,
but their absence wont just affect themselves..
haa okay its just a realization..and she says that over there is australia is different.

haha though sometimes i do dread the sense of responsibility
but i've come to realize responsilities are honourable, and when we handle them with the right person,
things will be okay=)

okay this is a long and messy post.
oh well=)

[and surely i will be with you always,till the very end of the age]

i could only say, you are awesomne.

so many many many things

2006-11-10T00:47:00.000+08:00

am pretty sure i'm stressed..

haha having some sort of withdrawal syndrom..
i spent the past 15 minutes trying out different computer games..
play and play...
i guess is a form of escape and naively thinking that i can stop thinking about all those while playing ...
haha n i've officially proved the invalidity of my pw proposal..
computer games dont help to relieve stress..
they made me more stressed...=p

but exactly what am i so stressed about??
oh man it scares me to just list them down..

oh well..the night was like a battle..
fixing the dates to fly back hk to visit my grandma..
finally coming to a conclusion, and the best possible dates 18th-2nd jan, i realized all my passports,i/c and this other card that allow me to go guang zhou are gonna expire on like the 16th..
so another fierce discussion...
and finally settled on me going back on 13th and my sis joining me on 16th..coming back on the same day..

making such a decision wasnt at all easy for me..
i had to give up many many things that are close to my heart.
what's going to happen to central a after the camp?
is everything gonna work out right during christmas?
is my sister gonna spend her birthday on the 24th dec just with my mum alone?
can my mei mei settle the posting of results on her own?
no more ogl camp so do i still go on with it?

i've never had like one whole lump of things coming to me at one shot..like an avalanche.
settle this settle that..
booking tickets on my own..
gonna change visa and passports on my own...
making tough decisions and planning for whats gonna happen with the given situation.

i feel that i've really got to grow up.
its no longer like holding on to a brand new handphone at the age of 11 walking alone on the streets of Hong kong..
but choosing something which i know will affect others..and yet being firm enough to know that this is the way that the kingdom will win..

but...but ...but...how do i know this is in a way that the kingdom will win?
it seemed like the situation is pushing thats why i'm pushed to settle on whatever that appeared to be the best.
did i pass the mic over to God and give Him air time to speak His mind?

am thankful that tmr's my retreat..i'm gonna search for the answer..
for now, i just feel like sitting along the road and rest...maybe eat some bao and drink some tea...

strangely...there's a tinge of assurance and joy.
saying that everything's gonna be alright.
not because i'm able, or the situation will suddenly become favourable to me.
but because He is a faithful God.

anyway, caregroup today was fun! though the unit caregroup looked like its a unit CLM,it was fun coming together,cutting magazines, pasting names, buying food and dropping by houses to bless those O level peeps.

the supposedly atmosphere-spoiler, the rain made it more hilarious and memorable..
being splashed from top to toe at the side of the road, walking the very adventurous short-cut in the rain to shiyou's house,watching sandy's poor jacket getting all the rain upon itself, and me missing my stop in the end cause i fell asleep on the bus.=)

thank God for puiwah, for your ideas and commitment and sincerity.
thank God for those who were there, to share this memory with me.=)

i haven been faithful to write on my dmw book..=(
i've got to learn to write in there in tough times..afterall it records our life..
not just the happy things..
but sharing every bit of emotion and feelings...

mighty 3 in action tomorrow visiting mighty 1..

God, please take control.

okay...=)

pw! finally over.

2006-11-08T18:36:00.000+08:00

pw presentation today!
its finally over..
and i'm very happy!
it was okay i guess..=)though am still very sad i couldnt go LC because of this..but oh well.=)
dont have much to say! just here to put photos...=)

my group!!

individual shots..=)

mdm shafa..she called me vain pok!!

-____-

was supposed to meet yuxin after pw, but because of the filming and all, stayed till 4 and couldnt meet her anymore..=( i hope she's not crying at home or smthing.haha but she say my voice can act too!!heee

so we ended up going for a sharkfin soup feast at some dirty pond near bpp..haha

and as usual, the childlike and youthful fangxuan decided to do smthing stupid...

okay! done with photos..they can take it when they want..i shall go and get back some sleep.=)

those feelings are fading, am glad.

2006-11-07T23:41:00.000+08:00

those feelings are fading, and i'm a happy girl=)

but they are just fading, they just wont disappear totally..
i wonder when will i be able to finally shake them off me...

today is a faithful day=)

it feels good to know that there is nothing muchg to worry about for our project.
problems pop up here and there, but when we finally walk through everything, qi shi ye bu guo shi zhe yang...things just fall into place nicely. =)

but oh my gosh, i'm becoming nervous about tmr..haha

my pw group!! hmm im actually very happy with it..and also maybe because most of the times they would agree to me..and that makes me happy.haha its very easy working with them, very committed and funny people.
just that sometimes brian is bring overly lame and anthony always overly formal in everything he says.
cecilia..HAHA donnoe how to describe also..HAHA is it.=)

cant wait for it to be over.

meeting up with puiwah was good=)
after that was meeting daniel and camp comm meeting and then going home with ziying.
i feel so blessed to have them as my leader and shepherd..
always have so many things to learn from and spirit to be imparted.

ziying shared something with me...
she said that wherever we are born, no matter what our family backgroud
God has placed us there so that there's an opportunity to know Him.
so i was thinking about my childhood in china, how we migrated here, which was beyond my wildest dreams to come to a place i didnt even know exist.
i used to be puzzled when people ask me why my parents chose singapore..
but now i know, because God chose me.=)

in our lives, there may be things we are ashamed of, things we do not understand why.
things like parents divorce,complicated family background,not so happy childhood or not so nice growing up experiences..
they are there so that theres an opportunity to know Him.

i like realizing such things and yet again have a deeper understanding of His work in my life...and yet again thankful for all of those=)

it tickles me to know that even at this age, when i still blur blur and know nothing except eat sleep laugh cry and pee..He already has a destiny planned out for me=)

i realized that i've only given myself one proper retreat so far, which was pretty long ago..when i set up a cozy corner for it..with lots of cushions and hot milo!
i shall have my next one on friday!!! cant wait=)

was suddenly reminded of what joanne and i were discussing on saturday, about friendship.
its funny how we like to have many good friends around us and feel popular, and yet hope to be a special/unique one to our friends.
some of us can cope well with many close friends around them, but for me, i dont seem to be able to commit to so many.
no matter how close we are to our friends,sometimes we still feel insecure/inadequate and doubt if he/she really need me as a close friend in his/her life.
but if my friends feel the same way about this friendship with me, i'll feel like slapping their face and think that they are really silly to think this way, cause its like duh!how can you not be important to me?

hai humans..
or rather, hai..satan.

he's like the king of accusation..he keeps telling us
you're not good enough
you're responsible for this
you could have been a better friend
she doesnt cherish you as much as you cherish her..
she prefers the other friend, you're not that special to her after all.

how many friendships/spiritual supports have collapsed cause of such thoughts!

so i always believe that only friendships build upon God will last.
He brings together people who are worlds apart in personality and all,no matter how different, their principles and vision hold them together.

i cant upload anymore pictures after putting up 2..humph!

anyway am back to my thinking mood..haha many things to reflect, many things for me to realize and apply.

教子不爱，不为教
爱子不教，不为爱

how true.

are u just gonna be a life that walks into my life and then walk out when we part?
or perhaps......theres more to it..............?
God, please take control.

like a beginner playing mario

2006-11-05T00:46:00.000+08:00

my comp's terminally ill, nothing much can help i guess
i just realized something..
my walk with God is like a beginner playing mario..
its like at the beginning just learning, and identifying all the traps and all..
and slowly getting a hang of it..
yet mario always loses his life..
again and again..
yet the beginner doesnt give up
he plays over and over again cause he just wants to complete the race
however as he plays along, he starts to feel frustrated everytime he dies..
the more frustrated he is, the more frequent he dies
he's supposed to be getting better..
yet he kept failing..
even the first stage seemed so hard for him
he doesnt know how is he going to get back to the stage where he stopped.
and everytime he fails, he got to start all over again..
slowly, he gets frustrated about dying again and again..
and eventually he may stop trying one day.

its not that serious for me larh...
just that i could imagine my walk just like this..
if you dont understand it's alright. =)

the past 2 weeks were very tough for me..
it was tough cause i chose to keep it to myself
i chose to put on a front
i chose to hide
and i wasnt humble enough to share and turn away.
until when ziying told me she could feel something..
and only then i told her everything.
it's like releasing something that i've been holding on so tightly..
and never knew it could bring me such relieve just by letting go.
shant share everything here, but will tell you if you ask me! =)

so i've learnt to always make a decision to share..
though it may be hard at times..
but now i know my shepherd and leader will never be too busy for me
they dont just care about what i have to do and whether i've updated my stats.
they care about me.
thats the beauty of this family.
thankew ziying and daniel. =)

liping drew this for me! and she drew for everyone else too!
mine is LITTLE MISS GREEDY..
HAHAHA i couldnt stop laughing..she say greedy cause am always hungry
and the tummy also big like mine!! so appropriate lah..

thankew liping!

just some random photos...
overnight at my house!with mila sandy and ting.
we spent the two days laughing like we just heard the funniest joke ever.

our taj mahau game.
oh and i read from a book that taj mahau is actually a very nice hotel!! has some historical value that kind. though its like very cheap here in the game..haa

learning to bake cheese sticks from milala

oh oh my comp is slowing down,it takes 5 seconds to show one word that i type.
i can discern something..better go off soon!

update again next time.

[i couldnt walk away if i tried, cause your love is better than life.]

what i need to hear

2006-10-31T02:34:00.000+08:00

finally i decided to come back to my blog and be more faithful.=)

mum's back, from hongkong..after being away for a week...
how to say...
the house seem to have put on the danger sign once again.
any actions or things said may cause the volcano to explode anytime..
dinner must be at home everyday once again..
no more "COME MY HOUSE FOR TAJ MAHAU" and no more escape till 11pm..
i sound like a havoc kid who made lotsa trouble while the adults are away..haa
to be honest i enjoyed the past one week so much more..
peaceful house, personal space, no curfew, no worries about things at home while doing ministry, no rushing off immediately after evrything..
freedom..................?
yes i really enjoy freedom much more..
restriction is not a way to discipline me, i'd like to live more freely.
but well winnie, you cant be bias.
mum's back, means theres good and healthy food for dinner every night.
it means you wont get heaty so easily
it means there'll always be milk for your cereal
it means your uniform will be ironed for you
it means ........just having your beloved mum around you.

sometimes when im really gonna explode from whatever happening at home, i just wanna have someone to listen to me complain, and stand on my side and agree with me that its really difficult to walk on thin ice at home..everything i do , everything i say i must be careful.everytime i wanna offer help, i must see if she's at the right mood, or its the right time, or if the weather's too hot for her to be good-tempered.

but oh well, once again..if this someone just agrees with me all the time and accept all my complains, izit really gonna be helpful for me?
i wonder...
true friends will tell me what i NEED to hear..

choosing to listen to what i need to hear.

haa walking on thin ice vs theres no place like home...

what exactly do i feel about this family?

"as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."

really how much do i believe in it?

well, i know that somehow, one day, it will come to pass, and i will not let go until i see this coming to pass, until i see God fulfilling His promise.

but its no longer so easy to say when my eyes are fixed on whatever it is now...

im sounding as if my family is the worst family ever..
hey thats the biggest lie.

only i know how heavy it weighs in my heart, how often i think about the family and how much will it hurt me to see any of them not well..

aiyoh emo again....okay i shant share too much..will settle it with Him =)

in you alone, i place my trust.

kelly's flying on wed...=(

He is the painter, i'm the paint.

2006-10-18T11:39:00.000+08:00

He is the painter, i'm the paint.
we are all born with different colours.
a single and light colour.
along the years, as we grow, we let others paint on us different colours
and sometimes even we ourselves add on colours of others unto ourselves.
we felt that the colour we have is not pretty enough,we need to be like the other colour.
some of us, our colours never changed..
but the colour gets darker and darker.
because we are suppressing...
we suppress emotions,feelings and expressions.
in order to remain beautiful for others to see.
but this darkening of our colour will eventually turn black, and can no longer darken anymore.
cause we've already broke down.
when the painter squeezes us out from that tube, he is happy with how the colour is.
he loves every colour in its form...he never wants to change this colour to be like the other.
because he thinks every colour is beautiful.
let the painter use you to draw the most beautiful picture.

"you are the potter, i'm the clay"

angry at disrespect behaviours.!!

2006-10-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh i have so much anger in me right now.
my mum asked my mei mei to go shing siong in the afternoon to help her carry some stuff home, and she refused...
cause she was using the computer.
i was like.........!!!!
such actions get me worked up easily..
but i guess i should have listened to her explain or smthing..if she ever has a valid reason.
its like she has no more exams and has a total of FOUR days to slack at home.while mum's working, she kiao kah at home.
eat sleep play.
im being a very bad sister..but am really angry.
i cant accept disrepectful behaviours..
these are basic coutesy and respect all should have right?
if she called me i at changi also dash there and help her.
haa okay exaggeration.
but i just dont understand, its like common sense.
thats why i really really cant accept rudeness towards leaders as well..
things like ignore messages,indifferent attitiude, dont pick up calls,and not accounting with the knowledge that it should be done.
i always rememebered what tamar said:defiant against leaders is like defiance against God, cause leaders are appointed by God.
but of cause as leaders we shouldnt demand for respect as well..and feel that ying gai shi zhe yang de.
appreciate such honour given.
and i really appreciate this element in mel! she always thank me for small small things over messages..
not that am insecure and need her to thank me, but i think its a good habit to always appreciate our leaders=)
now as i think back, i think in the past i was the winner of defiance man.
so so rude to my 1st 2 shepherds.haha
maybe thats why am very sensitive about such things now.
you'll never want to know what i do to them.hee
thank You for changing my life.=)

okay enough of that.
sorry for that childish anger

met up with liping today! like finally.
and i really enjoyed myself..though i wasnt able to help her much in the things she's going through right now,i just kept talking and talking.haa
i think she's grown! really..its much easier for her to just be comfortable being herself and i pray she'll discover more along the way=)

gonna prepare for meeting tmr le. and i think i should take better care of my contact lens, cause my eyes belongs to God..i must be responsible=)

i called, you answered.
and you came to my rescue.

wah~

2006-10-15T00:49:00.000+08:00

today today...seen so much, heard so much, learnt so much.

the incident today made me realize the devil's trap is so creative and so cruel,and am so so glad that i chose to put praising God above this stupid trap.alot of decisions to make, alot of blocking out of thoughts..and alot of joy.haha

compare and contrast!!

liping drew this!! talented jiu shi talented..it seemed to be such an easy thing for her to do.muaha.if is me i'll just draw some 14 stick women with all the similar smiley face.haa thats what im capable of.

central vision night! made me realize 2 things!
God really understands us inside out..knows exactly what we need at the right time and send the right word through the right people.lives that are completely devoted to Him,he favours and pours down blessings generously and abundantly.

kelly!i wanna tell you that am so awed by how you live your life.many things
went unnoticed, but all those u do in the dark, all those debates in your mind,
all those emotions poured out,they do matter. sometimes i wish i can be ur
sheep instead,cause i've got so much to learn from you.but i know God has
His purpose for this relationship and i wanna say i really enjoy spending time
with you.listening to your views and thoughts.your life is one God favours,
thank you for such a beautiful friendship.=)

and and the second thing...
am very thankful of the progress God has put in my life
in the past, after such events
i often feel condemned
that am not good enough, not doing enough, i dont deserve to be the leader of this group...all those stupid thoughts..
but this time round,i repented,i asked God for a second chance, and i started afresh with Him.
i've got the joy, i've got the peace of mind.=)

read the article jiehui typed just now, about the uncle devil writing letter to woodworm, teaching him of ways to trap human..

he calls human lowly creatures.
yes lowly creatures..our dear devil that we always associate ourselves with calls us lowly creatures.
he distract us from worshipping the king by putting all these thoughts in our minds.

When is the worship going to end?
Why is the worship leader bridging again and again and again.
What is the prayer leader ranting and ranting about.
Prayer is such a chore.
How come only 30 minutes have passed? There is still 2 hours to go.
I do not like this song.

he distracts us by making us conscious of how we look, about the person beside us, and getting someone to drop a message in our mobile phones or let our urge to go to the rest room becomes predominantly important.

the devil knows that we humans have inclination to rhythms and beats, Some of the songs of worship we sing are really jumpy and catchy. the devil's task now is to captivate us with the tune of the song and pull us away from the meaning of the song.

The enemy had put within the lowly creatures something called love and burden
for others. It is not good news for us for their burden for other lowly
creatures seem like a powerful tool the enemy uses to fight against us.
But our ever wise leader has devised a way to get around it and make it our
good. When the enemy speaks to those creatures to respond, give them the
alternative voice to point to them to someone else whom this creature has a
burden for. Tell the creature the respond is not for them but for someone they
know. If we manage to have full victory in this area, we will have a so called
altar call with people responding on behalf of other fellow creatures but no
one responding for themselves. How foolish are those creatures, they have no
concept that in such sessions, such thoughts only bring them closer to us.
by our dearest devil.

these are just a small small part of all those schemes the devil traps us in..reading this just makes me fall on my knees in repentance,but before that hit my head real hard,alamak! i feel for it again

getting late! i shall go find my best friend again..miss her already.haha.

you are really the greating thing in my life.
all i can do it's to cling on to you
and i know i'll never go wrong.
things may seem off track
but circumstances are not you

hear the trees, joyful cries
praising you and so will i.=)

yay!

2006-10-14T01:57:00.000+08:00

yay yay! its done!
though abit far from whats in my mind
am a happy girl.=)

went swimming with mel at her multi-purpose pool today..
so luxurious!!!
enjoyed myself.
thanx mel for the pool, the time, the raisin bread, the shampoo,the soap,and the thoughtfulness=)

okay am pretty sleepy..shall go find my best friend=)

there'll be a way..

2006-10-10T23:03:00.000+08:00

my heart is so gripped with fear and uncertainty..my mind knows so clearly that there'll be a way, things works out for our good and He's in total control.

yet my heart seems to refuse to understand those in my mind.

am not sure when will it come,and not sure how will it turn out..

its a test of my maturity..be worried? be still? i choose the latter.

i think of Job..when things of such happened to him, he fell to the ground in worship and said,

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
and whatever happened to him was much much worse than this..

He never loses control of things..in all things, He works for the good of those who love Him..

never experienced such things in my life before, yet i know things will be just fine.

yeah, all will be well.

you led me to a place of divine exchange.

all will be well.

God will make a way
when there seems to be no way
He works in way we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
walking closely by my side
with love and strength for each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way.

understanding so finite i'll never know how are you gonna turn this around, yet i know You can.

thankew for that stillness, that joy and that peace.

random..

2006-10-06T01:52:00.000+08:00

haha read a couple of blogs just now,donnoe why i actually read on when they actually ruin my mood for my date with daddy later. night retreat! haa so i ended up reading my own blog to get back that mood and excitement and a sound mind. haa

meeting gwen tmr morning and we're gonna REFLECT together.i was just telling her my plans and she said she feel like reflecting with me also..haha she so funny.i think she just desperate to meet me and use REFLECTINg as excuse.haa wonder what will she reflect about man.

meeting ting after that and as usual am very excited. have no idea what are we going to talk about,it seems like there'll natuarally be lotsa things to talk and laugh about when we meet. oh well, God-bonded friendship. probably a wrong term, but well.haa

my promos have ended. yes the BIG THING which many think they wont get through is over. i wonder what God has planned for me.its so exciting to wait for the reveal of His plan for me..yet many times He chooses to hold back knowing that i may get a big shock.haa.

many things in mind i wanna do. sometimes i look at other people's life and i think they are so colourful and not like mine, but when i look at my life, im falling in love with it more and more.its as colourful, as fun, as fulfilling and probably more meaningful. thank You for such a life.=)

okay i cant wait for my coolio retreat, just hope i dont fall asleep.=) just a random post..

in God, we have special treatments.=)

God is good, all the time

2006-09-30T23:52:00.000+08:00

i was thinking the other day if my blog really is genuinely me.i mean whats the point of having a winnie's blog and i try to make things sound nicer than they actually are? haa so i decided to test my own security and post my latest entry from my personal journal with God.just this time.the rest are strictly only for gOD.=)

29th september 2006
God....i got scolded again.am really angry, by how she says everything.yah i may seem to not be putting enough effort in everything,but i am setting aside time to study!!!God, sometimes its really hurtful, that things are said without knowing whats exactly happening.you know my desire to do well in exams for you, not for my sake,but because of you. i wanna give my best.i dont want to believe that am really a lousy daughter.everytime i am told im not doing enough,i'm not good enough.i should change in this and that.it's really irritating to keep thinking im not good enough,i'm lousy,i feel like a disappointment to the family. but i know am not in your sight. no matter how much i fail, you'll always pick me up and help me go through.God i want to give myself time and space to grow, to learn and to change. i know i can be more consistent in my studies, and i'll learn to overcome this in my own pace.i cannot keep comparing,i am me, the way i learn, the way i grow is different from others. sometimes i really feel like shouting back and say ENOUGH!i'm tired of all the emotional blackmail,tired of all those black face and unpredictable mood. God, okay,enough of self-pity. i'll move on from here. what i can do now is just to do better for the coming papers.i hate to be misunderstood,i really hate to be.help me to put my confidence in you. okay God, enough. no more self-pity and bitterness yah? :) thank u. love,your child-winnie

and after complaining to Him, i decided to go to the honey for my soul.

psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

psalm 73:21-28

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

i dont know how to describe His reality in my life. if people say that God is non-existent, they are either arrogant or ignorant.please please taste for yourself and see that the Lord is good.

had shepherding with ziying yesterday,we just walk around orchard, up and down, from ps to far east and from there back to ps again, just to look for a hairclip.i feel real blessed meeting her up. talked about many many things, shared to her things i've never dared to share to anyone,and she always always make me feel so comfortable to just take my time to sort out my thoughts when i cant express properly.

she gave me new perspectives. she said i dont have to be what people say things should be. everyone has their own convictions, as long as they are biblical, i dont have to feel as if am wierd because am different.we discussed about how to relate to the opposite gender as well.i shared with her my views,my difficulties,my confusions and how to draw towards the balancing line and out of legalism and yet have my own convictions.

i believe strongly that the two absolute principles are accountability and above reproach.if you are having a friendship with the opposite gender but having a hard time trying not to let ur leaders know,or not willing to just account,does it mean theres something wrong?no one said that such friendships are wrong. i dont believe either.but what i learnt from daniel during meeting is the things we do are similar to non-believers, our lifestyle may be the same,people we relate with are the same, but whats different is our motives.

i was telling jiehui,many things i can hide from people around,and many things they may not see/know. but all things, i know it for myself,my desires, my motives my sins.and they can never hide from God either. am so thankful am accountable to God.

yah so for this issue, i've thought about it for myself, i will definitely continue to abide in the two absolute principles,and for myself,if am not comfortable with being too friendly/too open with them, i shall let it be.so what if i dont get as many guy friends?haha i'm secure enough. but on the other hand, i must be careful not to limit God's plan through me!whatever in the plan,i'm willing to work with Him to let them come to pass.

she pointed out something to me as well, as i shared about my life,she said that i always feel that am responsible for many things.its really true,many time when things go wrong,i feel that i could have done more or could have been better.i carry so many responsibilities on my shoulder that im expecting from myself more than what God expects me to be.i've over-estimated myself.i must know up there in my mind and down here in my heart that it's okay to make mistakes,just learn from them and move on, and that i've got to be merciful to myself.

haa i feel as if am shepherding myself as i blog,it always feels better after each entry,because i know im understanding more things with my heart and not just my mind.

the art of self-leadership.

am sleepy already.gotta wake up early tmr,to study and for meeting.

the song i sang last night during the wrestle with God:

the greatest thing in all my life,is knowing you
the grestest thing in all my life,is knowing you
i want to know you more, i want to know you more,
the greatest thing in all my life is knowing you.

the greatest thing in all my life,is loving you
the grestest thing in all my life,is loving you
i want to love you more, i want to love you more,
the greatest thing in all my life is loving you.

the greatest thing in all my life,is serving you
the grestest thing in all my life,is serving you
i want to serve you more, i want to serve you more,
the greatest thing in all my life is serve you.

the greatest thing in my life.

you.

what is giving my best?

2006-09-28T17:32:00.001+08:00

l slept through lunch just now..i slept as if i was dead..nothing could wake me up.but its great to be able to sleep without having to set the irritating alarm!

i think my house is safer than the bank.i need to open FOUR locks in order to enter the severely guarded house.i was thinking what if one day i tired until i drop dead while opening the locks? haa if you suddenly got alot alot of money donnoe where to put, can consider my house..no one will be patient enough to open those locks to still ur money.

had maths today, could do around 80 percent of the paper, but not very confident of the answers, i like create my own formula and my own methods.haha. history yesterday..oh well, i think will do quite badly, i wrote my own history..i really take ownership of my subjects eh..=)

today after maths am suppose to think about something that puzzled me alot..hmm like what is giving my best? i really refuse to believe that serving God will lose out to others in studies, which is total crap.but sometimes i really really dont think i've given my ultimate best in every subject, but do i expect myself to get full marks for everything then i will feel i give my best? but giving my best shouldnt be a feeling, right? i guess is like studying in a way that pleases God.yes, it finally came to me.

work as if all the work depends on me
pray as if my whole life depends on them.

so am gonna move on, apply this for econs and chinese, and am gonna do better.
above all, let your will be done through me=)

the night before gp was a heart stirring night. never had such a time that i couldnt sleep, not because of anxiety or excitement, but because of the magic word LOVE.

it was like a whole new revelation, a new perspective.
life is ALL about love, if not everything becomes meaningless.in death beds, no one will call for his awards, his medals, his certs and all those achievements. he wants to spend the remaining time with people he love.

if my life is just an end to its own, i just live for myself and live to achieve this and that. i can be serving God, but am not loving people, i can just go to heaven right away.why dont we fly to heaven once we receive the salvation?

because God wants us to reach out to others.and use our lives to love His people.

so many times, studies becomes more important than people. so many times,achieving goals came before love. we used people to love things and not use things to love people.we go for serving for our own sake, serve God for our own sake, fellowship for our own sake, and forget that the church exists for people. for people who are still lost in their way.

if am so busy over ministry, over many many agendas to fulfil that i have no time for people, i wonder who am i really serving.

the best expression of love is time.

how i spend my life will show who i love, what i love.i dont want love to become a part of my life, i want love to be my life.my ultimate aim. really, i dont have much to offer, only the good news and my love.

oh my oh so deceiving heart, will you soften urself right now and start looking at the most important thing to life. so what if am busy with many agendas and have not love? they are really worthless.

to my friends, my sheep, my leaders my family my caregroup my unit. i give you the covenant of my love.if i ever fall into doing things and forget to love, please remind me.you deserve so much more love.i can give so much more love.

and if i ever used you to love things....please forgive me.

haa love of people always fail,sometimes i wonder how can daddy's love never ever fail.you know every single thing about me and are still passionately pursuing me.i wonder why can ur love go so far. yeah ur love, so illogical, so crazy.

thats why you are God and i am not.

thank God.=)

haa and i suddenly got reminded of something! the day before my history paper i went to ting's house to study...and her house blackout twice!! the second time the light never ever came back. then i saw such big contrast between her two sisters. the second one was busy putting on make-up using the torchlight while ting was runnung around the house to pluck the sockets, to check everything. haha and the funniest thing is after her er jie left the house for like pretty long, she came all the way back to the house to ask xuan ning if her shoe is okay!!!!

haa so we ended up playing cannot-see-hide-and-seek!!this is the term according to xuan ning. yeah we played catching in the dark. the fun was out of the world. haha. i forgot about history, forgot about finance problems, it was fun. =)
i wonder why did God planned things to be this way..it comes so amazingly timely and comforting to the soul.make me realize exams is not all about scoring well,it's about using every exam to learn new perspectives and grow in new areas, so that next exam i can do better.

after all what is more important? is scoring really really well that important at the end of the day? whats the point of toiling hard on our own,score all As but take a step back in our walk with God or remaining stagnant in our growth?

oh so anyway xuanting's older sister..she came home later and ning ning was telling her about our cannot-see-hide-and-seek, and she was like I ALSO WANT TO PLAY! shes 20 plus le i guess. haha the heart is always young.=)

i cant wait for exmas to end..cant wait to bake with mila,cant wait to catch up with people......................cant wait to grow.

without you, i think i will die.

becoming more me each day

2006-09-21T22:36:00.000+08:00

just did my xue shan fei hu essay which was dued nong nong ago..but it feels good to get things done=)

today i laughed hysterically at something, at that point of time,i found it funny.real funny.yet i wonder, what was my tiny little heart feeling at that moment when i laughed?i wonder what exactly went through my mind then?did i really just found it plain funny?i know there's something else.something i dread to have.something i've been praying to overcome victoriously.something i know i myself cant remove by mere human effort.

you see the depth of my heart, and you love me the same.

what else can i say?

i want to be more and more me each day.i want to become like the one God created me to be more and more.sometimes i look at myself and am puzzled, by how the world has shaped me. sometimes am not even aware of how the world can affect me in the way i think i react and behave.

longing to be that pure white lily amongst the influence of the thorns. a lily doesnt try to be like the thorns around it, it tries to influence them through its beauty, its purity.

finally finally went swimming today, alone. i swam as if i was angry n needed to vent my frustration.but somehow my heart felt peaceful,at the back of my mind are the many things i've got to study and understand before my exams, on the top of my thoughts am choosing to trust in Him and be still before Him.

i ws talking to myself the other day,not talk out loud lah...just thinking, asking myself and answering myself...i think i've been stingy with friendship.how to say...i know i can put in much more effort in every friendship,my peers, friendship with my sheep,my leaders,my sisters,my parents, my Jesus.

many time the spirit prompt me to do something sweet for certain ppl, and am so busy with my own things i just sweep them aside..and forget them.sorry friends=(

i just went for a break playing my hk cafe game.haha can never get sick of it=)

and oh!!! am so happy!!mila just showed me a website with all the games in the same collection as hk cafe!!! like how cool!!

got many other things in my mind, but am too excited to blog now. i must go play the games!! =) and thankx to everyone who tag! it makes me happy=)

oh am talking more like mila.haha

oh my, God you're so real

2006-09-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

am here to update my blog! haha today had a great surprise!got so many tags.haha

God had been really really real these days, he's always been i guess, just that now i really know how to recognize them and fall on my knees in thanksgiving.

those simple small blessings in life are wowing me so much, never thought such divine thing can happen in my life, so easily and conveniently.oops i think wrong word.haa am glad God doesnt mind lousy english. yeah as i was saying, He really really provides for my every single need.

johovah jireh-God our provider

today, maths lesson pushed forward for the first time-shiyou desperately wanted to meet me-ended school early-met her and talked at kfc-a woman overheard us and started sharing her own story with God-and confirmed the word God has been speaking to shiyou-bought us a drink(when i was almost dying from thirst)-she didnt accidentally bumped into kfc and decided to sit down n eat some chicken-she was there for a purpose,a divine purpose.

more than just the conversation,how the whole thing happened melted my heart, i went home with some sort of a bounce, a kind of joy. n when i was in the lift, wanted to sing as usual,but really couldnt find the exact words to express whats in my heart. i could only say:

you are awesome in this place, mighty God.

sunday ulm was great+ultra great. firstly is becoz of the blessing of breakfast by shirley and the milk from shepherd, but much deeper than that, i learnt about taking care of the soul.

the soul is such a profound thing to me, i dont exactly know where is it in my body,but i guess it's not even in my body, yet improper care for the soul can cause so much hurt.

we are running for longevity, to serve God till the very end, so all the more the soul is so important. have i ever felt tired all the time? joyless in the things am doing? choosing to be anti-social and dwelling in self-pity?

definitely.

i always get so task-oriented that i forget to listen to myself, and make time for friendship.i must understand spending time for myself is not always being selfish, n i always need these times to be still, and let god create some ripples in that river.

great insights.....

dont take myself too seriously, take God seriously. learn to laugh things off yah, holding on too tightly will drain me out.

i was reflecting and praying the other day, and realized the two things God's teaching me in my life right now.family and salvation. shant share too much, but when i've overcome it victoriously, i hope it'll be a blessing to you=)

am getting a little frustrated at history, just realized hist is really not easy. wanted to practise my piano to release some stress and i end up feeling more frustrated coz am so so lousy with the piano..haha and that voice came upon me again, go to the real source of strength.

anniversary was so heart stirring...theres no way to deny God's reality.just so thankful to be in hope, with the shepherding system and biblical ppl that give everything to God. still remember how i came to hope, it was when i was close friends with viola and she followed queenie my enemy to yhope, i got so jealous and decided to tag along.never expected that God used that jealousy to bring me so far.haa

i've been praying for you, wonder if you'll ever know?

wanted to post photos but it's gonna take me pretty long, wanna go back to studying. come again soon!=)

you must be greater in me oh Lord,
let all the rest fade away
draw me nearer to you each day
i yearn to fix my eyes on you
falling deeper in love each day.=)

thinking...........

2006-09-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

haha hello winnui's friends!!! i nearly got heart attack from the surprise!!!! hee

was thinking i should blog tonight but when im here, i've no idea what to talk about. went to kap to meet mel today..during my break, and i made a new friend! her name is weiling i think. had a good time just talking and getting updated about st margs!! how i miss the polka-dots..although its voted the most uncool uniform, dotty i still love you=)

seili told me something today, and i got to know myself even more. she said she didnt like me when she saw me the first day of school.she said i looked arrogant and too confident, and as if my eyes cannot see anyone. haha i was totally amazed at how different my outward appearacne/image can be so different from who i really was inside.

to be honest, when she met me, i was insecure and unconfident then. i didnt land my eyes on anyone more than a second, cause i was afraid of eye-contact with people. i wanst confident of my qualities and just me, winnie as a person. so i chose to put a protective shield over myself, to guard my heart, and shield myself against the world. i was cold and unfriendly, i was afraid to reveal my natural self.

and theres another reason behind it. knowing myself, being so easily tempted, fall so easily and imagination tend to run too wild, i was afraid that something would catch my eye and divert my attention. i didnt allow any boys to go any deeper than the surface, cause i didnt want to create unnecessary emotional dependence. im not sure of the reason behind such legalism, i just dont like to feel as if am flirting. sometimes my heart secretly desire for certain needs to be met, but whenever such thoughts come, i dont feel good.

and along the way, God showed me i've been living in a big big lie.

i'm wonderfully made,my value doesnt lie on whether people think am pretty or attractive.i have these traits for a reason. God hurts everytime i compare myself with some other fellow ambassadors, who are better salt and light than i am. legalism is not the way to draw towards being balanced, surrendering to God is. i was trying too hard to keep my heart pure by my mere human effort. yes i do still believe that i got to make decisions, and choose to be pure, to not just give my bare minimum or try to push the boundary in order to remain pure.

purity is a direction.

jamie made so much sense, having too many rules turns people off. and i shall trust God's judgement of my maturity enough to really make the prayer "what can you do through me?"

i feel total freedom now as i surrendered to God, every single person who walk ino my life, every minute that i have, everything entrusted onto me. i wanna use them for His glory. and yes, i still fail and i will fail, but His grace is sufficient for me.

the talk with ting the other day was great, fulfilling and encouraging.poured out my heart and realize we are really alike. the way we think, the way we feel and the things we struggle in. everytime i think of her, am so amazed at how God works. i knew her ever since the day i transferred into st margs, p3 that time, when i walked into the wrong classroom and ended up in her class. haha subsequently, we joined the same netball team, went home together, and somehow ended up in the same church and the same group.

always missed those times that i feel bored and just pop by her house anytime and hopefully she'll have some leftover digestive biscuit to offer me when im hungry.missed the times that we ah mah together and check out the most cheapskate deal in town..and being ugly and embarrasing with all the twisting of bag and hooking of plastic bag on our arms, and just being so ahmah.haha. it wasnt easy along the way, there were unhappiness and disagreements, but now as we look back, i cant help but just laugh at our own foolishness and childishness.

never thought it will turn out this beautiful.

and ting, i know you always secretly read my blog even though u dont tag!! haha i donnoe what to say to you, but i cant wait to go to heaven and sit at the carl's junior up there(hopefully God will open up one for us) then we can talk non-stop and keep refilling our drink! thank God for you life, thank you for cling on to Him and never gave up no matter how difficult things were. so sorry we can only meet this frequent, but i know that as long as we cling on to HIm, our hearts will stay together no matter how far apart we are physically.

jiayou!

the ah nie pose!

graduating together......

zhang da le....

our friendship's the 9th year already. lets have a 10th anniversary using our long zhong program. haha

its pretty late..n i needa do gp..oh no!

HeLLo I'm WiNnUi'S fRiEnD!

2006-09-11T16:32:00.000+08:00

Hey hey!! This is SueSue here!! WOOOO seili here!! ask u to sit with me but u run away!! and u nvr go toilet wiv me!!!!!! Sue: i took d trouble to let my comp lagged for ur precious blogger lehz... haiz... den u dun wanna blog already! We are 2 of ur frens who got dumped by u...! =( =(

something close to my heart

2006-09-07T22:08:00.000+08:00

ahhh! was blogging on this post last night, and half way got disconnected! and was all gone. love blogger.

am gonna blog about something close to my heart..just some pictures, but mean so much to me.

last sat, which is very long ago..haha...we had central a meeting! celebrated choonmin's 15th birthday (oh my goodness so young), and shared our ideas of an ideal caregroup! =)

choonmin and her birthday cake! it was a very heartwarming affirmation. liping was affirming her and both of them teared! they may seem so different, things turned out so beautiful.=)

yup then we drew our ideal cgs!

calean's! very simple, just a group of God-loving people gathering together, lots of praise and worship, lots of fun, and all following the bible.

choonmin's! very simple too, many people coming together, bonded by love of God, and love for one and other. =)

kelly's! haha her's very funny. many many many people having cg around the track, loving God, loving people.(the shape of the cross is rather wierd) and it must be a WOAH! that kind of cg, that explains the red exclamation mark!

sherlyn's! her's very cute. two circles! bigger one is the happy times together, small one the sad times together. basically sharing lives and going through thick and thin together.=)

szemin! haha shes very cute. her ideal cg has 100 people! and it must be outside school cause too mnay people the school cannot contain!! and the thing in the middle is kelly shouting her lungs out.

liping! the petite girl with a big big heart for God. everyone in the cg brings BIBLE, FOOD AND STATIONERY. and must be punctual! when cl asks to share testimony, everyone says ME! ME! ME!! and and there will be new believers!!

sandy's! by the sanndy beach, with her many many best friends. polka-dots holding hands all going towards God. we can go in anyway we want! can jump, can run, can swim can leap can crawl.=)

puiwah!! her's is in easy coast! people doing different things together. some preparing for bbq, some practicing praise and worship with GUITAR, some gathering toegther, not sure doing what..ohoh! playing wacko! coz she loves the wacko game. haha...and with bycycle at the side! =)

mila!!! her's in by the beach too!and with two trees at the side. and many people with lots of FOOD, music and playing hillsongs!!lots of love and music.=)

haha claire's! very funny. polka-dots holding hands vertically like some malay dancers walking to church together.

mel's! by the beach also!!!people united together, sharing testimonies, secrets and simply lives together.

hannah's! abit blur, cant really remember!! hmm basically people gathering together, loving God and loving one another. and probably eating chicken together? =)

haha! this is claire's ideal cg in person! haha st margs holding hands like malay dancers walking in to church together!

this is the ny's future caregroup! on the track with some retarded people running behind them!

yup! thats all! and i haven draw mine, i donnoe what's in my mind either..=)

and and and this is what we are using to save up for camp! ultra cheapskate and ah mah cloth..with some weird purple creatures..but central a are very nice people, though i sincerely think is ultra ugly, they are very nice about it and will use it!=)

and tah dah!! this is my shepherd!! this is a powerful woman man. she's biblical, systematic, humorous, good listener, organized, gives her best to God. so so privileged to be her sheep and serving with her in camp communications. thank you God!

made this for my piano teacher. i like it alot! haha green background. oh man im putting so many photos, just hope that it wont blank out again..i better hurry!!

and and today!!! we had combine shepherding for all winnie's sheep! haha had a great time with all of them. thankew winnie's sheep for being so true, so accepting, so honest, so fun and so kingdom minded. such a privilege to be serving with all of you. lets have more of this yah?

hmm but not all of them are here=( mel n shiyou left early,and hannah couldnt come.=(
haa but kelly in contacts!!!!!

okok i better faster publish this, if not later disconnect again!! blog again later=)

people i love=)

2006-09-04T20:38:00.000+08:00

okay! finally i've the time to blog!!
maths test today on differentiation was good, at least i could tee kum tee kum do all the questions.thank God for ting sandy seili sue sue and abigail for teaching me and mila for ur encouragement=) the most important thing was lesson was learnt, in a hard way, yet after i repent, He never left me alone, and was there till the very end of it.

i feel a step closer to you once more. thank you=)

and and and am here to blog about some exciting thing! hmm hmm haha my english lousy, dont noe how to use flowery language to make it sound very very nice. but! i still wanna express my love to CENTRAL A! these bunch of people arh..make me cry, make me laugh like mad, make me frown, make me worried, make me happy, make me joyful and ever so thankful, and make me feel privileged.

went kbox with sherlyn sandy heeannwah and shiyou! and had caregroup after that. though the songs we like quite different,and every moment we have 30 full songs and cannot dian anymore..it was very fulfilling and fun, dont feel empty.=)

sherlyn and shiyou!

the other 3 of us =) too bad we didnt get to take a group photo..all because of that irritating man!! so different from cck one...=(

haha i have no idea what were they doing. soo comfortable arh..and look at heeaannwah's face! like totally relaxed comfy..

heanwah again..taking both mics! humph!

ok no more photos of kbox..got so got so many heanwah, later sandy jealous..

and we had cg after that!! ate so much, got ultra dry honey glazed chicken, mila's ultra yummy sandwich with new ham! and my fav choc! =)

haa i just realize the only vocab i know to replace very is ULTRA, which i doubt its even correct.

cg at mel's house! ultra nice place!and sandy was trying so hard to not let me fit into the photo while i spent half my life climbing up just to fit into the photo =D

shiyou and mel! like this pic=) my two lovely sheep =)

puiwah!! another very cute and funny sheep=)

caught me sleeping!very soundly i guess! sleeping anywhere, anytime, is my gift.

hai wanted to put the central a meet photos..but no time! must go study and do my camp booklet draft one. hopefully i can finish by tonight..=)

i've learnt that i must lead my life carefully, because how others perceive me do matter. not in an insecure way, but how i live my life and how people look at it, will affect their image of God's representatives on earth. to whoever, i dont like to explain my actions or defend myself, or purposely tell others of things i do. but i've learnt that sometimes i've got to learn to be more comfortable with it, cause my life is not just my life alone, it's not just my business.

sometimes, silence speaks the most. -

interesting quote.

how could you be so good to me....i cant stop singing and dancing over you.

because you do it, while im not aware.

and thats sweeter than hunny to my soul.

okay my english is getting worse...i shant continue. n meanwhile read claire's blog more.haha

motto of the phillipians gang!!

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
[phillipians 4:6-7]

here to blog!

2006-08-28T20:00:00.000+08:00

haa its nearly 9pm already..n i haven had my dinner. outside the room, the atmosphere is pretty tense..somehow her voice and all the throwing seem so irritating.and all his voice saying the same old thing about working hard, manage ur time, and keep repeating what he's been saying every time he sees me..till i automatically switch off...i can nearly memorize his speeches..haa but thats bad, i dont see him often, and many times i miss him badly, when i think of his work, his lonliness,his determination and all, i always tear.he's not that young anymore, yet he's taking upon him much more than i do.am not at all close to him,and honestly, theres nothing much i can talk to him about. somehow, he has a certain impression of me that i feel very sad about. i know he doesnt have much trust in me, he expects me to fail and make mistakes..but well. i've chose to not be affected by this n keep thinking negatively. maybe things are not like that? ok winnie, stop thinking.

我好想好想飞
逃离这个疯狂世界
那么多苦，那么多累
那么多莫名的泪水
我好想好想飞
逃离这个疯狂的世界
如果是你，发现了我
也别将我挽回

i like this song, but when i really run away from this world, i do hope you'll pull me back =)

ahh i cant wait for friday! doing something i really enjoy with the people i truly enjoy as well.=)

haa i have lots of things to do again.a little over whelming, and apparently i realize i cannot multi task and i do one thing pretty slowly, depends on the availability of the materials i need.so...going into another week of war..haha and another week looking forward to time with daddy everyday.

i hate to realize this, but something is eating me up. n am fighting fierce spiritual war everytime i think about it. its tiring, having to make a decision every single time, when thoughts of the dark side come occupy my thoughts.yet i guess im happy, i know He is on my side, n i know im able to overcome it because He will help me along.even as i choose to pretend on the outside, inside of me, i can feel joy from victory in these spiritual warfares, and eventually i wont have to pretend anymore. haa if u dont get what im saying, its okay..=)

love, is letting go.

is it true?

it reminds me that its exactly what God did, He love us, therefore He had to let Jesus go.....

爱你，我认识了快乐。

nowadays i've learnt to laugh heartily, to really laugh simply because its funny, and its enjoyable. its not tiring. learn to laugh off embarassments, laugh off mistakes, laugh off criticisms, and perhaps we will be happier.=)

now my deepest cry of my heart is to grow in stature, really really wanna grow!!! it never seem enough, if drinking GROW GROW GROW milk powder can help, 10 tins i also will drink.i want to be more mature every single day, as much as i wanna love Him more each day. i wanna look into the life, and reflect it upon the mirror, and change something of me everyday. knowing that we've grown feels good, real good.it'll remind me to be thankful, that i grow, coz of smone who loves me enough to disciplne, test and guide me along. thank you Dad.

i have certain things against 2 people in my life right now. i somehow dont agree certain things in their lives.n i pray that im not coming from a judgemnetal spirit, n i gotta overcome it soon, coz dragging on will deprive them from receiving the best from God.

oh oh you know, i read an email today, it says that there a rumour gooing around in south africa that having sex with vergins will cure aids, the younger the vergin, the more potent the cure.n you know what, a 9 months baby was being raped by 6 men. i cant even start to imagine, i feel pain within me. i wonder how Daddy feels? i wonder how much He tears when He sees all these things happening all around the world? ahh i cant take it, why isnt the good news attractive enough? why do people still respond so skeptically towards God? there are billions and billions of people out there crying out for a saviour, and yet many times we still choose to walk our own path, hiding our emptiness and silent cries,pretending that we dont hear God knocking on the doors of our hearts.will there ever be 10 valid reasons why the world doesnt need a saviour?

"you said the world doesnt need a savior,yet i hear people crying out for one everyday"-superman.

ahh winnie, stop pushing the blame on how people respond, you gotta do more, you gotta be more convicted of what you say and believe in your life.you gotta be more active and careful in leading your life. you cant do much about that baby who's far away from you, but you can do alot to people close to you right now. thats your call.

每一次
都在徘徊孤单中坚强
每一次
就算很受伤
也不闪泪光
我知道
我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞
飞过绝望

我隐形的翅膀......

你.=)

no title...

2006-08-23T12:40:00.000+08:00

haa! using the laopok sch laptop again!!
its wed today, studied for history test but was cancelled! didnt want to go school today, but i believe there should be a standard, like what daniel said..how can God's people called to be salt and light anyhow pon school? though i must say its really a BIG BIG waste of time..cause of the sport meet today..
maybe cant meet hannah also! n this week no other time to meet her..hai.i wasted two days this week..hai.

anyway am suppose to make today count by making it fruitful.haa, so am doing my yue du bao gao, and i haven read the book.

i think our blogs really say whats happening in our lives, we blog about things important to us, n close to our hearts, at least for me. so my blog tells about my thoughts, my life, and as i read through, i see Him in every happening, He fills my mind so much like a boyfriend, n most probably much more than that. many times,more than having other people reading, my posts are for myself.n i realize that here, i talk to myself alot, i talk to God and occasionally talk to myself. just like my daily thoughts. but why does it seem that God appear much lesser in my daily thoughts than when i sit down n deliberately hear His voice? maybe God's voice is soft and gentle, i have to quiet down my heart and my soul to listen.bt i wanna think about Him much more, till that i dont have to deliberately tune myself to God,so whenever He speaks, i can hear n not miss out a sibgle word.

i realize today that the things i treasure n things xiaoyuan treasure are very different..she treasures friendship alot, not that i dont..sometimes i get annoyed by myself by how easily i can give up certain friendship,maybe i dont mind being alone? sometimes when i just feel like talking, and sharing about nothing, i donnoe who to go to..haha have i blogged about this before already? it just came into my mind....so i end up writing in my diary to the one who really really understands. but i guess we as humans, we do need people around us to listen to us, n give us audibe reply.haha n friends are gift from God, so i will try my best to balance.

maybe it would be better this way, to not to be too attached to certain people..n to be over-dependent on people.n friendship needs so much time to build and commit,i wonder if im really able to be a good friend to people around me.i really really want to, thats why when i saw that im one of sandy's 6 closest friends, i feel very privileged and honoured. i donnoe why..=)

someimes i got to give up certain relationships in order to achieve greater things for God, it feels painful i guess? but yah, its not so hard for me to let go.n my conviction still stands,as i serve God, along the way, God will bring into my life great friends who will pur me on to continue serve Him, and will understand me when i choose to spend time doing God's work instead of hanging out with them. n yes, am very sure i have such friends around me, and im very very thankful cant wait for carls juniors with them.=)

packing up the dreams that God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through.

But we'll keep you close as always.
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong.

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them.
And a friend will not say "never"
Cause the welcome will not end.
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

yah friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them. for the dreams God planted in us,we put friends in our hearts.

i got nothing to say already.haha tired of standing.

i need to go and make my day fruitful..=)

what keep me going?

2006-08-22T16:43:00.000+08:00

haa everywhere i go, when i try to log on to my blog i see BLOGGER 404, its everywhere! n somehow this sch's laopok slow like crawling laptop dont have that.

its tuesday today,and was supposed to meet mel during my THREE HOURS BREAK BEFORE SOME IMPORTANT LESSON CALL PHYSICAL EDUCATION.but i was so tight down with school work, must check the chinese files, do history essay for tmr test and some camp committe paper..and i feel so so bad!! sorry mel!! really really sorry. =(

sunday was powerful, i could feel gOD'S abundant grace and mercy. i felt that He really wanna help me. He spoke to me, comforted me, taught me a powerful lesson and gave me lotsa ideas. thank you daddy. i wanna do ur ministry with you.=)

but honestly, sometimes i feel tired and drained out.always so busy,and hardly have time to listen to my soul...and i started to list out in my mind, what are the things that keep me going as i chose this path. am so thankful that earth is not my home, we are mearly travellers and pilgrims on earth. they dont build houses, they live on the edge, because at the back of their mind, they have another destination. n i cant wait to meet Daddy in my home. love what shirley said..we're living for the future, not the present. if we are, we wouldnt have chosen this path.

and today i was teling xiaoyuan, am so scared that i'll end up just doing and doing without having a clear vision what God really wants to do through me. n as i thought, i realized that there are actually many things at the back of my mind that kept me going, that why till now, am not giving up.

things that keep me going:
-seeing M****** deciding to turn back to God and giving her whole life to Him.
-seeing V**** and C**** come back to Daddy.
-seeing central A growing from glory to glory
-seeing people like puiwah mel hannah and kelly doing much more for God and better than whats been done
-witnessing my own family salvation
-bring my close friends towards Daddy..

and many many more i have no time to type.. these seem far away, but God, i will never let go of you until i see these coming to past! these seem so narrow minded still, what about the world winnie? yeah i can have never ending dreams for God which i know will definitely come to pass.

so glad i chose this path.

=)

going global

2006-08-13T22:42:00.000+08:00

have many things to do, but there was this sudden urge to wanna share my thoughts here.

was having dinner and watching tv..n suddenly these words dawned upon me, the world is dark. yes am very certain. many things are happening all around the world, we dont get to see,but get to hear of them.everytime i think about china,and its crooked values,my heart sinks.

i guess i have been too narrow-minded.what am going through now is not even a glimpse of whats really happening out there in the world.singapore is so safe,there are terrorism and war out there, and we are here complaining about the bus services and giving skeptical comments about everything.

its time to open our eyes wide to take a good look at the world.it's God heart beat, he gave away Jesus so that He can win the world back to Him.

ahh this world,though packed nicely,beneath all these beautiful wrappings,there are violence and tragedies happening everywhere. i feel so selfish all of a sudden.

maybe people will come and tell me,be more optimistic,the world is beautiful.
HAHA.its beautiful because you see miracles,u see miracles because theres a God.so the world is still ugly,but because of God,it becomes beautiful.

sometimes the thought of growing up really scares me,because i'll have to step into this world,the world filled with plague.whatever difficulties and problems we go through now are just preparations for the future.i've got to expand my mind,to not just look at my studies, and mourn,or look at my ministry and give my bare minimum.i do believe that God has big big dreams for me,n its only with me that they will be made complete.

i wanna include the world in my prayers,yah cliche,world peace.but i guess afterall,what the world needs is not peace.is Jesus.

i wanna take effort to read widely, n not just read books that i can identify with..what about books on missions? books on planting churches? books on dreaming real real big for God?

i know that when i dream, God is able to accomplish every single bit of it.if there a mere o.ooooo1 % of things my God cant do,He's not worth serving and following.so He's different from Mao.

yup these were in my mind.n i pray that it wont be just a temporal excitement of something. i pray that God will constantly remind me of His heartbeat for the world.i think i'm the most blessed girl in the world,to have such environment,such friends,such a church,such leaders,such fellow servants,such a God.

thank you God.

really.

:)

thinking till am lost...

2006-08-12T00:27:00.000+08:00

i spent some time yesterday thinking, and i think until today,keep thinking and keep thinking.sometimes to find an answer, sometimes to just dwell in certain beautiful thoughts, sometimes get lost in my own thoughts.felt a little abnormal today, a little down i guess? but for no reason.

probably was frustrated at those thoughts i wanna get rid yet i cant,or because i became emotional after reading someone's blog.i wasnt sure if i wanted to talk it out,but i tried to look for a perfect emotional dependence n i couldnt find.not that not one's available for me to talk to, just that there are certain things u just feel like telling this someone who understands perfectly well,and will keep it to himself, and will listen patiently and never interrupt.

yah, He came into my mind...=)

i was thinking,friends always get closer when there are common things in them.whether izit feelings, backgrounds,experiences, it always feels good to have someone really understand the things we go through and our feelings.yet, there's something within us that long to be different and unique.we get sick and tired of seeing people on the street wearing identical clothes of ours,we like personalised things more and more,and its my biggest dread to see another winnie thats exactly the same as me.

haa and u know what,the God that people think have nothing better to do, took the effort to knit us one by one to be who we are.our character,our favourites,our hates,our strengths,our weaknesses,our shape,our looks...our everything.

so glad am unique.

during chinese we talked about some history,of china..about how the red army followed and worshipped mao zedong to the extreme.they were like crazy over him!they talked to his portrait, read and memorized his little red book, obey him wholeheartedly,and did everything he said.i was thinking,dont they have a mind of their own?

and suddenly my heart was gripped with fear,what if the way i follow God is like the way they worshipped mao?i dont think they were stupid,and im not either.of course the context is different,but why is following God seem so extraordinary to some people just like how we think the red army was wierd?

but if im just following blindly,why do i feel such extraordinary love and peace whenever i need?why do i find all the answers to life in the bible?why do things happen in such coincidence that we just cant explain without this God?why does it feel so rewarding and fulfilling to serve Him though many times tired like a mad cow?

at times when i dont feel God,i thought am following God because there were no other alternatives opened up for me,i thought since i started serving so early,i've already lost the chance of pursuing other dreams.and when i stepped into jc, many many kinds of lifestyles opened to me,there were times i was tempted to just jump into these paths and try them out.

yet, somehow,they were just not convincing and appealing enough.yah attractive indeed,but really, nothing makes more sense than giving my youth to Him.all these thinking just makes me more convicted of why i lead the life am leading.

thank you God.=)

i fell in love with the word YET. or rather how its used in the song..

and through the storms,yet i will praise you
despite it all,yet i will sing
through good or bad,yet i will worship
for you remain the same
king of kings.

yeah indeed,we human always change our mind.just yesterday i can feel all hyped up and on cloud 9, and today i can suddenly feel so low..the constant variable is always God.

long long entry again...long-winded winnie.

got more things to do.tired but worth it.=)

God, this is for you

2006-08-10T16:45:00.000+08:00

wanted to talk to God in my journal,but that finger quite painful,ugly handwritting, so maybe i shall do it here.=)

God,
many emotions, many thoughts.dont know where to start? God what do u think of me? what do u think about the way i live my life, the way i react, the way i talk? how do u think when i'm so busy leading my own life and at the end of it too tired to wait upon u in silence? how long have u been waiting for me to just pause and seek u and see if i'm heading the direction u want me to? my past few journal entries are so messy,my handwriting so ugly,i myself can barely read.do u get upset over this?i know u are not so petty.=)

just now i was flipping through my box that i keep all the encouragement cards,birthday cards n xmas cards..and some notes, people have such great things to say about me, as i read, i questioned,am i really like that?like what people said of me?i wanna tell them,im not so good like how they said,yet i also believe because of you in my life, im different.through out the years, you've moulded me so so much.
i read the notes the central ahmahs wrote to me as well,during our first camp together,things were more exciting then,i did my best to ensure a smooth transition,you guided me into many changes to make and created so much fun.

things in ca is a little different now.i feel that is a difficult time we have to go through together,i cant exactly pinpoint what's wrong,yet i know some things need to be settled before we really move on.honestly i feel really helpless, about certain people in the group, not that they are helpless! but i really dnt know what they need in order to find their way to you again?

when i think of them, my heart sinks a little,i know u are capable of changing their heart condition,yet i know u have ur own timing.i guess im not angry or anything?i just feel for them,when are they gonna find their way to you once again?please please tell me what to do..call me n i'll go.

God,mum's getting too much in her speech,theres a limit to how much we can take i guess?if you were me,how wll u react?how will you respond? i really want to be more like u,in the way i handle things.many times i want to just blow up and rebut,yet i always choose not to,cause i know that will make things even worse.lead me into divine exchange,less of me, more of you.

and God! thank you for the wonderful time with u just now!i sang so many songs,did u hear?u like my singing?haha.i really really love taking a break from the world and just indulge myself n world of my own,thats created by you,to feel once again that im precious and beautiful.

in my life,you've heard me say i love you
how do i, show u it's true
hear my heart,it longs for more of you
i've fallen deeply in love with you
you have stolen my heart,i'm captivated, by you
never will you , and i part
i've fallen deeply in love with you.

was writting in kelly's letter just now that i'll never give up serving you cause there are people like who make everything of her YOURS.yeah,its gonna be 5 years, since i came to know u,u are still faithful, and real.

God,help me to tell the difference between being big hearted and know how to take care of my own feelings.i realized that many times i try too hard to be nice and not narrow-minded that i tend to neglect my own feelings.i still want to be real,i still want to be myself,i know that you care about me the most.i dont wanna be a people-pleaser,but be genuine and be like you. am so far away from that but yay,with u, i know all will be well.

okay God! time to go to ikea with mum..excited!! oh but dont leave me k, go with me! dont forget our date tonight!

haha God, u are like my boyfriend.but oh well, u are more than that.

much more.

you are my world.

=)

your grace granted me free will, and i chose you

2006-08-06T00:23:00.000+08:00

free will, something that God exalts the most.He loved us, sent jesus to die for us,planned a perfect plan for us,gave all his best for us, and yet, HE GAVE US FREEWILL TO CHOOSE.

it was out of so so much grace and love that he gave us freewill, to choose, if we wanna follow him.He has the best for us, yet we can choose.someone once said, then isnt God forcing us to follow Him cause once we dont choose Him,we wont have the best path. n yes! thats exactly the point! without HIm, we dont get the best, simple as that.

i had my own dreams, i had in mind what i think i would love, yet you know best what i really really love and desire.

so i choose you.

yay!! i especially came online to blog! and later i wanna write in the DMW diary! i must stop being so uncommitted to diaries and journals...coz everything is worth writing down..just whether we want to.

i haven been blogging..because i have been feeling so tired for the past 2 weeks or so..i hardly had time for my own, and sometimes cant even finish my work.i felt drained and stretched, and yet i promise i did give my best at any point of my life. though tired, i gave my very best.

i thought it was unhealthy for me to feel so tired, coz when i serve God,i should be strengthened and strong.but i learnt today that it should be my desire to want to serve God till i say..ah, am tired....and thats when i will really really depend on God.

if serving Him doesnt make me tired, then am not serving.

today i heard the story of the wooden man, the one mr koh shared before during devotions.was so moved and the truth just pang on me like i just knew Him.

who are they to give stars and dots? comments will only stick on me if they matter to me.He made me, thats why am precious, thats why am unique, and thats why what others think really dont matter.

hey winnie, stop putting ur security on other things.because they will just make u even more insecure.=) and winnie i think u are beautiful, because He made you. =)

people walk in and out of our lives, we never know who makes a mark in our hearts. so treasure every opportunity to know people better, u'll never know how beautiful it may turn out to be.

i think everyone has in their lives certain characters of God that are more evident in their lives. for me when i think about His faithfulness and grace, it always always bring tear into my eyes.i dont have much,yet i was never in lack.i didnt need people to pity me though i may not enjoy luxurious meals often or buy nice clothes, because God meets all my needs and sometimes pampers me a little too=)

wanted o write more, but now i cant think of anymore..hmm i blog more next time! n i will try my best to make my next time real real soon.=)

thank you dad for making me feel like a precious princess.im most sinful yet im most blessed. =)

almost a month...

2006-07-24T01:04:00.000+08:00

haha this is my blog's 42nd entry! remember many moths ago,it was choonmin's blog's one thousand entries celebration! oh my! i cant imgagine that on my own blog..it'll be one thousand long long winded posts yet 1000 lovely stories God wrote for me.looking forward to that day!

its always enjoyable to read my own journal entries,always wont get sick of it..can almost memorize them all!!! haha

i love what shirls said on sat..if jesus came to give rules,a list of dos and donts, i wouldnt have followed Him.

okay...i shall talk about my feelings recently...

had a great talk with angelina on tues..n we've come into a conclusion that knowing someone loves and adores u unconditionally makes a whole lot of difference..ur life will change.

today i went down to nanyang..i dont feel like sharing every emotion here..but i went home with repentance and guilt..and convicted that my spiritual life doesnt just affect myself..if it does..ok winnie u go ahead and do what u want..but nah..it affects many many around you.so winnie, if not for ur own sake, let it be for other people's sake.

we evax as well! in the school and also in coro..it just felt so so good..to be reaffirmed in my faith and seeing myself living the real normal christian life.i approached with fear and trembling, but if i chose not to..im a selfish pig.

God is still God regardless of ur response to Him.it just makes more sense each day to follow this God..one that does things that no human can compare..

ahh am feeling pretty tired nowadays..school work ministry and by the time i reach home, am usually too tired to do my work..ahh i know that this shldnt be the way coz God will strengthen me daily, thats why am not falling asleep in lessons already! that was one of my bdae wish..:)

when u are legalistic, people switch off, when u are balanced, people follow you.

God let me be word-centred and mature in you.

have been thinking of a few people..used to be my close friends.they are popular and attractive to the world..probably thats why they left God? coz they feel that the flatters they receive and emotional satisfaction can replacd God in their lives? i may not understand why, but i know that i still love and feel for them.they may be leading a happy life, n i have no right to judge and say they are wrong..but i know God's heart goes out to them..it hurts Him more than anyone else when they cant find their way..

Everyday they pass me by,
I can see it in their eye;
Empty people filled with care,
Headed who knows where.
On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear;
Laughter hides their silent cries
Only Jesus hears.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
At the end of broken dreams,
He's the open door.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
When will we realize
People need the Lord.

We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong is right;
What could be too great a cost
For sharing life with one who's lost?
Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear;
They must hear the Words of Life
Only we can share.
yah people need the Lord..though they may think they dont.

needing time alone.....

2006-07-20T22:54:00.000+08:00

i was so looking forward to blog today but now am running out of time and things to say...mix feelings...yet i'll never know how to express..oh well, let Him listen to my heart. things getting hectic..soul getting tired, yet in the midst of tiredness, i see joy, i see confidence and i see full understanding. thankew God.

blog another time! =)

neglection of blog..............

2006-06-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

phew! its been a week since my last post. sorry blog! exam's more important than you cause God says that He wants me to give my ultimate best!.hehe so i did...at whatever point of my day or my night, i gave my best effort. n God is very jiang yi qi..He made my study sessions focused and fruitful. so all in all, i just did my best, so even if i dont do well, its God's business.haha

one more paper to go!

this week i've taken many lonely going home trips, n today i nearly fell asleep while waiting for the traffic light.and i realized that during these trips i think about people most of the time.there are ppl that when i think of, i smile, and some i frown, some that i give thanx and some that make my heart sink.

if these people know that they came to my mind, will they feel good? i think i will feel good when im being thought of :) however, to me they are just random thoughts,as in these thoughts may not mean as much to me as to the ppl am thinking of. do i make sense? hee but i believe people do like to be thought of.

it makes us feel that someone remembers us, and there are things we do and say that remains in people's memory.and then i realize that i can feel happy all the time cause God thinks of me all the time! haha and that realization makes me happy...i love thinking :)

okay my dad's here to chase me again...i better go..yay! short post this time.

prayer.....i want it to be a big part of my life, i want to pray as if my live depends on it. i want to be humbled before the king, i want to see my weaknesses and ask for His strength.may i have breakthrough in praying.

[put prayer into life and put life into prayer]

FIRE CONFERENCE TMR. :)

im loved

2006-06-24T22:45:00.000+08:00

oh my! i didnt know my previous entry sounded that bad.so sorry if i stumbled anyone!.thanx to everyone who tagged and messaged me.maybe thats the way God shows love to me..n yay i do feel loved. im ok! with God..nothings not ok.:)

more than those words of encouragement and concern, i realized that im not alone! thanx choonmin and nicole for identifying with me! lets have victory over it together! and thanx to those who wants to go through it with me,im very moved! thanx ting and sandy:) and thankew daniel jamie seili shiyou and passerby!

God thankew for wonderful ppl that i can depend on and trust in times of need.they are a great gift to me:)

talking about friends..its a profound topic..what the definition of friends? or rather BEST FRIENDS? when we mention best friends,who are the ppl who come into your mind? but one thing i realized..we often feel insecure in friendships..because all those messages of reality and lies that have consumed us, we have thoughts like 'oh im not good enough','im too much','im too boring'.we somehow feel that our friends think of us that way..we often feel that we are a disappointment to others, that they disapprove of us.when we replay those conversations in our mind,we regret of what was spoken, we feel in their presence that we are not enough.

we try hard to be like our friends coz we wanna win their acceptance. we put on a front that we think would please our friends,so that we can meet up to those unspoken desires of our friends.

but with such things existing in friendships,we are not able to experience the true beauty of this God-given gift of friendship.

and if i ever give you such feelings, i feel nothing of that sort towards you.please please dont think that u're a boring companion to be with! i treasure you just the way you are.i love every heart to heart talk,and every single time you open up to me.i treasure deeper things that just mere fun..because i cherish you.so my friends! thankew for being you! i wanna offer my heart to you. :)

when God gives us a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart.

i thought and thought..the solution to this is probably a secure relationship with our true Prince.when im walking securely with Him, i dont have to fear that im not good enough.when i know that there someone who accepts me unconditionally,regardless of who am i and what i've done, i can be a confident woman who can just be myself infront of people.when im secure in the most trusted God,i dont have to fear to be vulnerable.yeah its risky to open up my heart,but i dont have to fear a thing. :)

indeed, knowing that there's smone who loves you unconditionally makes a whole world of difference.

i was thinking the other day, i tried to imagine how a beautiful winnie will look like.one who's confident regardless of my outward appearance, one that whenever i open my mouth, i speak with love and kindness, one who adores the King in my life and with my life, one that gives ppl assurance with just a smile,one who listens patiently and lovingly to people's stories, one who's radiant coz of God's presence in my life,one who speaks the message of beauty that ALL WILL BE WELL,one who has compassion and mercy,one that leaves impact in ppl's lives every minute i spend with them.................

oh wow.the list is never ending..thats the image of beauty in my mind..and as i type, i know im far far away from it..but i know God will mould me, and help me to unveil the beauty He as knitted in me.because to Him, im beautiful.He thinks a world of me.

today my greatest challenge brought a friend to service! n that motivated me alot alot.the legacy of pj cannot die in my hands,it doesnt make sense to leave a school without giving it a good shake.*grins* :P

i betetr keep this short..haha im always very long-winded with my posts..

God knows how much each of us can bare.and He is doing these in our lives to prepare us for the future.

how reassuring!

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains corrinne may, free

i cant wait for the closet special service.those who come,will be greatly blessed.:)

a wound.

2006-06-20T02:36:00.000+08:00

i shall share about a pretty heart-breaking thing that happened last night.wanted to blog it last night, but i guess i was too emotional to do so..bitter, helpless angry, and probably wounded.

mum said some nasty things in the evening. real sarcastic and nasty..every word pierced through like the most cruel torture..it felt painful coz she's my beloved mum.what she said made me feel like im a lousy daughter,dont bother about family and studies,it made me feel that i was heartless.i kept quiet through out, still unsure if that was the best response.but God knows my heart, it wasnt a silent rebellion, perhaps just too hurt to speak.

its been going on for quite some time..i guess ever since she got a job and my grandma's health deteriorating.actions of care and love often come into my mind, yet i guess i've done too few of them, probably because i was scared..afraid of the responses and how they may be twisted into another meaning, which would most probably be heartlessness and hypocrisy.

if theres really a chair that when i sit on it, it will flash all those things that have went through my mind, i would want her to be the audience.i want her to know my heart...im bad with words and expressions,though that doesnt gimme the excuse to not show love to her.but i guess im a little tired. tired of trying to respond the best way i ever could,tired of trying to solve the issue by changing the way i am, tired of trying to hide my emotions from anyone.n this time i decided to let go.i allowed myself to talk to God in self-pity,i allowed myself to cry and cry in helplessness.

i felt so pressured, it felt as if every wrong move i make in the family would cause the whole family to take a step back from salvation,which is the last thing i wanna see.and everytime such things happen, im expected to change the way i do things,change the way i study,change the way i talk,change the way i respond..i wonder if anyone knows that many things are actually a result of the tone that she uses?or maybe im being too sensitive and emotional,self-pity and not understanding.shouldnt i be mature enough to know that thats just the way she is?

what i should do is not blame it on her way of communication, but to accept her and love her JUST THE WAY SHE IS.

but is not easy at all.

yes i do love her.God knows that full well.it hurts me more than ever to see her drained from stress and worries,to see her tear and to look at her trying to supprt the world with just her own two hands.everytime i see these, everytime im more convicted that she needs God, for no one can fill that insecurity in her.

okay enough of being emo and sad..becuase thats for ppl who do not know God.

i was glad that i went to the perfect source of comfort, assurance and strength. i was reminded that God loves me, and He will be with me.yes he carried me through.He reminded me that as much as my parents are not perfect,im most flawed too.and He loves everyone the same.it dawned upon me that i've been trying too hard to make things work with my own hands,the only way that i can be a daughter who shines is that im spirit-led.and the spirit would lead me to respond biblically,to control my emotions well, and fight those thoughts of self-pity.and i have the assurance that through it all,the holy spirit tenderly embraces me and heals me.and i know it crystal clear that though it seems like no one understands,Jesus understands.

i feel hopeful once more,yeah am lifted up.nothing is too big for our God, right?He promised to take care of my family and i know He is and he will.im not doing this alone, after all is not about how powerful am i,but about Him right?of course i wont shirk the responsibility then,i noe God will still do it through me, n it takes me to be obedient to the spirit and to have faith and......be still.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
-isaiah 40:28-31-

thankew God for such love that i often dont understand, such wisdom that puzzles me and such timely circumstances that make me speechless.all this but have reminded me once again that you are God and i am not.and im thankful, real thankful.

thank you thank you thank you.

i hardly know how to express.

:)

one...

2006-06-18T01:00:00.000+08:00

ONE

there was this sudden emphasis on this word today during worship..

one... A single person or thing; a unit, means no other, just ONE..irreplacable,incomparable, stands alone.

thats what i want God to be in my life..THE ONE.

ahh i just started typing and im feeling tired..its not good to take a nap at night..its not gonna help to refresh you neither does it make u feel better,it make oe feel more frustrated. argh.

last night i had a talk with my dear xiao mei and her friend. my sis was pretty upset over what my mum said and how she put across things.. so she started weeping and weeping..and i tried to guess why was she crying..u feel misunderstood? u feel that everyone's picking on you? you feel u're being scolded too much? and she said

im thinking why God put me on this earth.

my heart melted with sorrow..i was speechless.i've neglected such feelings for so long, i didnt realize shes growing up and is starting to question..question about existence, about her purpose in life and start to blame God why He was so free and had nothing to do that He put ppl on earth to suffer.

she asked us if we could choose,what wld i choose to be. while i answered human being..she said she wanted to be a non-living thing. i think the wound is pretty deep.she tried again and again to prove mum wrong that she can be better,she tried again and again to reconcile the relationship, n she tried again and again to find her belonging in this family. yet again and again she was hurt,she was being denied of her value,and slowly, she began to shut herself up..in bitterness,and sorrow and in self-pity.

i felt so sinful.through-out this process of being hurt, i've done few things to help soothe that wound.n now it has stopped bleeding,but burning with fury,and begining to be numb about things.

i know God is slowly involving me into her life, which i will give my best to.await for my testimonies in our relationship yah? its gonna be the first step to family salvation.i cant wait.

i wonder if the question of existence and purpose pop up in everyone's mind? im so glad and thankful that i've found my purpose.what about u? do u find no meaning in life?u dont understand why things turn out the way they do?oh well, when u turn ur eyes to God, everything becomes logical.

ahah i dont feel like blogging anymore..im tired n need time alone. n i need to sleep! ulm tmr..i need an expectant heart. :)

learning day by day

2006-06-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

finally back to revive my blog! taking a break from blogging makes me journalise more, i wrote 6 pages last night! hmm hmm so how! haha shall learn to balance.. :)

its so beautiful to communicate with God on paper, complete freedom and expression of emotions..my heart laid bare and raw..sensitive to any nudgging..like releasing a heavy burden i've been trying to carry on my shoulder.thankew dad. :D

yup so during the neglection of my dear blog..i went for church camp, missed a sat service,studied abit and went for new testament survey.

camp was filled with doubts n fear..fearful that i would lose the presence of God and the holy spirit in my life..i cried out in helplessness..you know,those desperate prayers.i was picked up from unworthyness, doubt and fear. i didnt know how was i ever going to continue leading with such a state,i felt so sinful,depriving other ppl's growth becoz of my condition..it just doesnt make sense..i should be the one begging God to let me take care of His ppl, coz i love Him..not being bitter about this noble task.

now i feel so honoured and privileged.

n something happened..it changed my life.at 2.57 10th june..i witnessed it..something i've never witnessed before. i had breakthrough in my tongues,in my faith and in realizing the way God loves me.

yeah i felt it.

i dont know exactly how to describe the camp..just once again sure that im in an adventure worthy of my whole life.

new testament survey was real good too!went back to many elementary truths,those milk that i should consume before i move on further to consume solid food.pondered about many things as well..my motives of serving God,my spirit toward leading and serving.its a good reflection.:)

I miss seeing God so active in my life. I have been living with my eyes and mind close. I was so fearful to make requests to God, fearing He was not fulfil them, and I will enable myself to be let down again. But today, really is God calling me to trust in Him again. Trust in Him. Don't hold on so tight to yourself and your life, trust in Jesus. Jesus has it all in His hands.-shuyi 7th june

got that from shuyi's blog..n oh my oh my! that was exactly how i was feeling..that fear that i mentioned above..i couldnt explain properly in words..n i felt ashamed of it. God, thankew..that im not the only one that experience that fear, and thankew that she's not the only one who overcame it. haha you gave me victory as well.:)

i think i had a breakthrough in my faith level, straight after camp.many things happened that are testing my faith, which i shant share here.my first reaction to all happenings were to PRAY.to commit to the supernatural, to depend on Him and to rest in this trust.

prayer-is acknowledging that this is beyond human ability,and humbly submitting it to someone higher. yeah thats what i think.

oh oh!talking about all these happenings,i got an analogy the other day while writing to Dad..every bit of our lives is like a piece of jig-saw puzzle,these pieces contain sorrow, joy, problems,breakthroughs emotions..and God puts them together, and at the end,they will all form a beautiful picture,a perfect one,a moving happening,a heart-warming sight, all by God's hand.

its a great assurance, coz though am holding on to a sad piece of puzzle,i know it at the back of my head that i it's still a part of the perfect picture which He will show me in due time.cant wait :)

i am very very thankful for central a, this is a group of people that i really enjoy to be with.i dont have to struggle whether to spend time with them or with my other friends, coz its just so great being around them. they are so accepting, so loving and so supportive. they willingly open up their lives and share with one another,affirm every good deed and care for every hurt. in them, i see that when a member is not doing well, it affects everyone.i love singing hosanna songs with them, love mumbling the nothing song, love posing dashing with them,love laughing with them,just love being with them. guess they are the pillars of strength to my ministry.even if one day i feel real real real dry,and tempted to leave the church,they will be the people who will pull me back.

hey central a, thankew for acknowledging God's authority upon me and accepting me though am so flawed.many times i didnt set the example or did i do my ultimate best to help you grow.but its my prayer that one day i can confidently say: imitate me as i imitate christ. i wanna give a part of my life to you, if you are willing to.n i wanna make you my best friends.yeah BEST FRIENDS. :)

now as i think,i realized that i've never really showed my appreciation towards daniel.i made a crown for him during camp too,hmm but i didnt give in the end.haha.i have never met any leader like daniel,he's so firm in the word, holds great conviction for things of God's heart. He takes full responsibility of His group,taking every effort to get to know the ppl in central and writing cards to all birthday ppl, though it may not be all that easy and convenient for him.i think he's the most xi xin guy i've ever seen,remember small details like who is not feeling well or whats going thru in ppl's life.he takes effort to understand ppl very different from him and balances love and passion so so well.always very amazed at his humility,so real and so easy to talk to. one who identifies with struggles and so ready to share his weaknesses.hey daniel! am so so thankful that God allow me to serve under a leader like you..with your guidance and all,i know im never alone in my ministry.tnankew for your example,i learnt alot and have alot more to learn from you.n i will make it a point to pray for you, coz thats the best gift of blessing and appreciation i can give to you. thankew daniel! :)

was talking to sandy mila and hosanna the other day, n we came to a conclusion that our church is so so cool! we have lotsa fun as we serve, it attracts teenagers yet always firm on principles of the bible.our pastor is fashionable and cool n doesnt wear robe! haha the leaders are faith-filled yet logical ppl.we are open to sensitive discussions and just makes ppl feel belonged.one word: tnankful.

simplicity vs complex

i dont know what am i, i like to think, and as i think,things become not so simple anymore, but well, when i look back to the word of God, everything becomes so clear and simple again. i like it this way :)

yeah im so long winded again..oh well,its time to sleep, tmr is study day and i can see my classmates! and meeting seili early to buy slippers.

i wanna blog about ppl around me more..coz God already has a winnie-centred blog for me in heaven, may my blog be one that edifies others.

beauty is living for others...if it is, i want beauty.

even if its not, i still want beauty.haha

all the random thoughts..

2006-06-04T21:40:00.000+08:00

the title for this is post is all the random thoughts! yup have been thinking..evaluating and realizing truths...its great to think! i love thinking.haha

the teaching today went well..felt wierd at first,to be teaching fellow uls,and having the leader sitting there and listening!it took lotsa security and confidence in God..very thankful..i got to share my heart out..many things that im convicted in..and very thankful that the team is very supportive!really..with all of them older than me in age,yet able to nod and respond,indeed its divine authority.

today as i taught,i was once again convicted of the privilege to teach, not just any other subject, but the word,the word that gives people life and transforms lives..since when is anyone worthy to teach the word?yet we sinners are given the authority to do so,and it dawned upon me that thats exactly how highly God thinks of us! your grace still amazes me..

and i was thinking about my role as a unit leader..i've been stuck in this position for 2 plus years? this is my third year..n i started to question myself, why am i not moving on?i mean everything seems to have remained in a certain level that the cycle just repeats year after year.n i guess this level is the most dangerous one..that one gets so used to doing the same things,and stop growing..depriving my sheep from reaching their very best.how sinful! n i remember one of my bdae wishes was to let 18 be a milestone for my life,that God will do smthing special in me and through me.n this shall be the year that i break away from this position,oh well..i dont care about what L am i..but size is the most tangible way to measure growth isnt it?stagnancy wont last for long..coz the heart slowly slips away..n i wont allow that to happen in my life! jc, so what?more temptations=more growth right? let this be so for my life. amen :)

went to study with ting after meeting..the HIGH TEA was enjoyable! and we were saying that what if Jesus comes back like soon? like in 10 years time? 5 years time? 2 years time? or even tmr! i wonder how many of us are ready to meet Him! at the rate that we're going,how are we ever gonna save the world? n we still go through silly things like spiritual dryness and doubts and all..ps jeff said yesterday that we're living at the end of the last times! n i often forget that i actually have great things to offer,hey winnie,put away that pride and start working..20 by next bdae..still on?

YES.

the power of words..make or break..build up or tear down.most difficult to tame, like a rudder,or a splint that causes fire,yet the most fortunate/scary thing is that we have control over it. sometimes i wonder why people use their tongue to tear down..all those sacarsm and criticism, it seems as if the purpose of their lives is to tear people down, leaving people wounded and hurt, n start to put on a false front, a front that they believe would be more acceptable to the world...yet that lie harms the soul..

wouldnt it be great that every effort one makes to serve and every caring thought one has for people are being recognized and appreciated? that people just come and say'hey thankew for that,it made a great difference'. imagine how much impact does it have on us! it will cause us to bless even more people, and build more people up. the power of words.imagine how many lives will you touch when you just go around affirming people of things they dont even realize,the joy is explosive.my tongue is a gift from God, a gift to be used to encourage and build up,i mean who doesnt like to be praised and appreciated? well..i do..when im affirmed, i will wanna do even better and even more..it doesnt take that alot of effort to just affirm smone a day does it?
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.hebrews 3:13

i was telling ting that these few weeks i've learnt to be still..to be at ease and have peace in my heart.my nature is definitely not calm, that choonie can testify! haha i worry about this worry about that...i get paranoid about every delay and every mistake..and stress myself out till it seems as if the world's gonna end soon becoz i have 3 tests to study for..hehe and now i've learnt to take a step at a time, to not worry about tmr and have complete trust in Him. it feels so good, to know that im not alone..n that i can exchange such stress with peace and all..is not about psycho-ing myself,but an exchange in the mindset.

[know God know peace
No God No peace]

many times when i hear of people being rude to their parents or grandparents..i get real angry..i understand that rebellion is a stage that everyone has to go through, when one thinks that the whole world revolves ard him/her.yup that i understand, but i cant accept them being rude! our parents work so so hard just to meet our basic needs and allow room to pamper us once in a while, yet sometimes what they get is our ignorance and heckcare attitude, that i confess..sometimes i'm so busy with my own life that i forget about my dad who's toiling alone in hk..and how my mum has to bear all those stress and all.im so scared that they dont know i really really appreciate them..n the only thing i can do to repay them is to study hard and give them the answer to all life's questions...JESUS.hey God,i haven forget..and i wanna thankew for taking care of them so so well..i see you in every happening..do it through me k :) soon!! :)

these 2 days are gonna be quite busy! many things to prepare..yet my heart is still.coz i know that there's a God.phew! i get so encouraged myself by typing all these down..haha..

i somehow miss my classmates a little..haha..looking forward to class outing too!

tonight i got to study, think of gift ideas and plan for camp! i like such exciting life,hectic but fulfilling:)

i was made to love you.

he rejoices over me

2006-06-02T12:38:00.000+08:00

joy overflows....
i was weak, and then im strong
all because of your supernatural power and love.

i felt so drained when i woke up..with no particular reason, just troubled over bring it on, over camp, over people, over my heart condition.

n immediately i know that i need strength from above, after trying so hard to make things work on my own.

n i sang so many love songs to DAD,with the whole house to myself, i felt embraced and free.i poured my heart out to Him in helplessness, and i was strngthened,there was an exchange, of mindset and perspective.my eyes were opened to seeing things in another way.

wheee!!!! yesterday i finally went swimming!!! it was good, i felt free as i stream through the water, and letting my mind rest. n i think swimming is a good way to fellowship too! just two people...it draws heart together.

then after that went to meet sandy,had lunch and shopped aroound. we talked about life, talked about things in my mind,shared our feelings, laughed at stupid things and was drawn closer to each other. i enjoy being with sandy..its comfortable to just walk in silence,and always comfortable to reveal my true self.thankew sandy for your trust and your support, you spur me on through helpless situations when i felt alone..the thought of you always assure me. thankew sandy :)

last event of the day! we went to xueting's chalet..i got so tired of laughing..thankew seili for laughing with me.i've learnt to laugh from my heart, learnt to laugh things over indtead of harbouring them in my heart, learnt to appreciate people's jokes, and learnt the art of laughing together with friends.HAHAHA

i enjoyed all the mrt trips and bus trips the most! lao da was the best,one sentence n i was down on the ground laughing. da ge was not bad too! the xiao di who keep wanting to be our da ge..he's ah beng chinese is actually not that bad..n with that retarded face..haha. and DA JIE SEILI! haha you must be laughing to yourself very happily in front of the comp...liwen!are u still sleepy? and the ultimate da jie who can kill with her eyes! hehe hopefully i can post our photos soon!

hmm i confessed somethings to Dad today..i felt so disgusted at those things..all those times that i unconsciously speak ill of another person..and unconsciously show my dao face to certain people..so thankful i have seili who trusts in our friendship enough to keep me in check, really..am so thankful for all those reminders.

these words that jesus spoke touched my heart:

God has sent me on a mission.
i have some great news for you.
God has sent me to retore and release something
and that something is you
i am here to give you back your heart and set you free.
i am furious at the enemy who did this to you, and i will fight against him.
let me comfort you
for dear one, i will bestow beauty upon you
where you have known only devastation
joy, in the places of your deep sorrow
and i will robe your heart in thankful praise
in exchange for your resignation and despair.

moving isnt it?that we have a prince who passionately loves and pursue us,who have great thought about us and gave himself for us.please dont step out of my life until you've understood this great love and grace available to you.:)

ok! i shall go do my things..long winded post again..hopefully i can meet liping later and be anointed as i meet claire!

aiyah..hungry....